Every major holiday in the United States seems to have its own candy, which used to disappear from stores once that candy’s holiday was over. There are conversation hearts for Valentine’s Day, jelly beans and creme eggs for Easter, candy corn for Halloween, and candy canes for Christmas. Then the world went completely mad.

In recent years, we’ve seen more and more confusing candy holiday mashups on the shelves. It’s not enough that egg-themed Easter candy hits store shelves before our Christmas trees are down. No, instead we have Christmas-themed jelly beans and candy corn, and patriotic candy corn for patriotic holidays. Haven’t had enough jelly beans? Now Brach’s has jelly beans with words printed on them, like conversation hearts. They aren’t heart-shaped: they’re still bean-shaped, which is why I am going to call them Conversation Kidneys.

Did Brach’s stop there? They did not. You can also buy gummy conversation hearts with short messages molded in, which at least are shaped like cartoon hearts. This is an acceptable variant on conversation hearts.

Then, just as Pumpkin Spice and Caramel Apple became marketers’ “official” flavors of fall, the candy and cookie flavor of Valentine’s Day is red velvet. These are, naturally, available from Brach’s as candy corn, because no holiday is sacred and everything is better with red food dye added to it.

The appeal of seasonal candies should be their ephemeral nature: while gourmet jellybeans have made year-round jellybean availability normal now, that’s no excuse for bringing strawberry shortcake candy corn into existence.

(These pictures have been beamed straight into the rage center of my brain from The Impulsive Buy.)

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