Alert: You Cannot Buy Consumerist With Doodle Money

Our post last Friday gave people some great business ideas. We appreciate the offers, but we must insist that you do not try to purchase Consumerist with doodle currency that you have minted yourself, probably while drinking. You can, however, try to bail out the auto industry with it if you want.

Dear Ben,

We have recently attempted to purchase the Consumerist (please see below). We are concerned that our offer is not being taken seriously. We have recently taken on increasing financial backing. Please see here:


And Here:

You will note the latter is a very valuable, in fact almost priceless, image of a spider playing Wii. I trust we will be able to wrap up this sale in due course. We will make every effort to gainfully employ all Consumerist employees with no changes. Salaries of course will be in spider money equivalents. We assume this will entail almost no lifestyle changes for you and your employees.

P. Punko

Here’s the original offer referenced above, which was sent to Gaby:

To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing to inquire as the the purchase price of the website “Consumerist.” I am wanting to inquire if the commenters will also be included in the purchase? Is it possible that they will not be included for a discount? I think I can automate the Consumerist commenting using a simple algorithm. First, I will have one commenter complain that it is the consumers fault, whatever the problem may be. Second I will have another commenter call someone a “jackass” for yelling at a customer service rep. Finally I will have another commenter alternately post “buyer beware” and “caveat emptor.” Unfortunately, I do not have any funds available for the purchase at the moment. I do however, have a drawing of a spider, that I would like to provide for the purchase price. I think you will find its value will match that which you place on the Consumerist.

Kind regards,

P. Punko, Esq.

Another interested party named Michael is so busy producing money that he has no time for commas and that is why you can read his email which we have reprinted below very fast:

Dear consumerist,

After reading about the man who tired to pay his bill with a drawing of a spider I wish to purchase the consumerist with this drawing of a caterpillar which I value at about 62 million dollars should you accept my offer I promise to make drawings for all the employees daily which would range from stick figures to various animals and plants as you can tell I am quite the artist.


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