We saw over at Boing Boing this great montage of 70’s toy commercials. Bing Bang Boing looks particularly awesome… a Rube Goldberg game made entirely of masturbatory paraphernalia. “It’s down the Bingle Flinger, past the Hum Drums, up the Banglevator, through the Flicker Tickler, and into the Boingle Bucket!” Getting your balls in the Boingle Bucket is the last step before you win by reaching the ‘Big O’ square, we assume.
toys
Oozinator YTMND
By 5.19.06
Cementing its status as a fully-fledged, card-carrying, dues-paying, internet meme, the infamous Oozinator has been splattered into a YTMND.
Barbie Scarred Me, And I Liked It
By 5.17.06
Lil Miss Rodeo is the least of [insert the name a potentially concerned party here]’s worries about the new line of Barbie pinup dolls. How about French Maid Barbie?
Finally. Barbie Goes Cheesecake.
By 5.17.06
Mattel has announced that every ten year old boy’s secret plastic girlfriend, Barbie, is finally going 50’s sexpot. The lascivious, long legged tramp is getting her own “Pin-Up” line of dolls, inspired by the fifty year old cheesecake calendars still mustily crumbling upon the wall of our grandfathers’ garages.
Huffy Gets Basketball Right
By 5.15.06
We remember Huffy for their bikes. Those first, off-the-rack bikes given by a grandfather hefting one down from the K-mart rack. He puts it down and says, take this for a ride and see how it does you, sport. Eagerly we climbed on, not knowing of course at that tender age that we would later mock the very transportation device for its middling charm, simplicity and inability to traverse mud splattered boulders.
The Lost Oozinator Reviews
By 5.11.06
On Monday we found the innuendo splattered Amazon reviews for the SuperSoaker Oozinator (a squirt gun which shoots slime and water in a very phallic fashion) wiped clean by some unknown, possibly socked, hand.
Talking Bible Dolls ‘Fun,’ ‘Faithful,’ But Can You Wash Them in a Lake of Fire?
By 5.10.06
We’re always excited by new product releases, especially when they’re graven images of Christian religious figures.
Oozinator’s Origins, Revealed!
By 5.9.06
You’ve watched the video, you’ve read the reviews on Amazon, and now, we’re all going to hell just a little bit faster, thanks to a cartoon over at Words & Pictures.
Succumbing to Shirley Temple’s Deadly Charms
By 5.5.06
The children’s toy industry apparent refusal to stop putting lead in jewelry products lends itself to this morning’s best lede: “The good ship Lollipop has some unsafe cargo.”
The Oozinator Delights Children
By 5.1.06
Hasbro Marketing Executive, a glowing light bulb bouncing merrily above his skull: “I’ve got it! First, we’ll design our new Supersoaker water gun with the shape and hue of a grotesque alien phallus. Then, instead of water, we’ll make it squirt ropes of thick, opalescent ooze! Finally, we’ll market it with a television spot in which a pan-ethnic rainbow of small children are the gleeful recipients to load after hot, sticky load shot all over their chests and faces! It’s a win!”
Memo to The Evil Toymakers
By 4.27.06
An open letter from a tort professor and dad to the makers of lead-laden products targeted at children:
The Best Time of Year to Buy Item X
By 1.23.06
God bless this no-nonsense column over at CNNMoney that explains with a minimum of cruft when exactly is the best time to buy everything—if everything is airline tickets, televisions, houses, cars, videogames, and toys. Here’s the bit about airline tickets that you can put in your pocket right now for it is as simple as the organism sure to infect you on your next flight:
For all the seeming complexity that goes into the price of airfare, the answer to when some of the cheapest tickets can be found is surprisingly simple: Wednesday.
ChiaGate: Shrek Has a Mullet
By 1.3.06
It’s suppose to fully grow in about a week. It’s been over a week. Our Chia Shrek has a mullet. Where did I go wrong? Do these things suck, or is it me?
We think that the mystery of which hairstyle will grow on your terra cotta head is part of the magic of Chia, but we will not rest until we discover if Chia is using the lovable cartoon ogre as a carrier for the reintroduction of ‘parties in the back.’
