Walmart has declared missing a shipment of 100 Elmo T.M.X. dolls. The annoying-as-fuck toys went missing en route to a Walmart location in Bentonville, AR.
toys
U-Haul Has A Penis?
By 10.25.06
After examining the Lil’ Hauler Plush Toy Trailer (left, $9.95), reader Matt found that its proboscis bore an unmistakable reference to something he hadn’t been able to find among his fat folds in some time.
Absolutely Nightmarish Tickle Me Elmo TMX in Action
By 9.22.06
In 1963, Charles Beaumont penned the classic Twilight Zone Episode, “The Living Doll.” In it, a possessed plastic doll named Talking Tina (and voiced by none other than June Foray, the voice of Rocket J. Squirrel) plots to kill Telly Savalas, a bitter husband who cruelly treats his stepfather to cope with his own impotence.
Lego Trucks Cause Serious Puncture Wounds
By 9.20.06
Lego is recalling 358.000 LEGO EXPLORE Super Trucks because the wheels could detach, leaving exposed metal that has resulted in “serious puncture wounds.”
Get a Hummer With Your Happy Meal!
By 8.17.06
To the spittle-spraying vehemence of environmental groups, McDonald’s is giving away a free Hummer with every Happy Meal.
Zappy Tanks
By 6.28.06
In days of yore, you could just slap a knave across the face with a glove and challenge him to a man-duel. Now, we must resort to technology deployed in a highly controlled “game” scenario. That’s where our Christmas wish comes in, Daddy. The R/C Laser Shock Tanks. It’s like remote-control laser tag. If that weren’t sweet enough, every direct hit you score inflicts lets loose a shock through the controller into your opponent’s wrists.
Barbie is Dead
By 6.27.06
For this post, we knew exactly what image we were looking for: an image of Barbie — barefoot and flanked by Ken and two of Barbie’s pan-ethnic plastic girlfriends — sashaying with shopping bags right across Abbey Road. Unfortunately, that image doesn’t exist, and we’re too stupid to make it. So instead, we’ve been forced to illustrate it with this image of a murdered Barbie, her head crushed by a Volkwagen sized aluminum can. Serves her right, the cocktease.
Oozinator Ooze Tested
By 6.21.06
Captivated by the Oozinator squirt guns possibilities, mainly those involving its ability to shoot ooze, we ordered one. Here is the money shot. It fulfills all your hopes and dreams. This is but a preview of a longer ooze opus. Enjoy.
Mattel Presents Ooga Booga Barbie
By 6.21.06
Over at the Bleat, James Lileks took time out of talking about how great the olden days are to illustrate that, though we live in an age of Hooker Barbies, it’s not like they just started being offensive.
HOWTO: Win on A Claw Machine
By 6.9.06
I’m actually really good at those claw machines you find in movie theater lobbies and arcades. A life of twitch reflexes and joystick clutching has made me extremely beloved by small children: I’ll just walk into an arcade with a pocketful of jangling quarters when I’m depressed, start playing the claw machine, and give out the toys to the bratty kids who greedily surround me.
Babes on Top of a Matchbox
By 6.2.06
The way to sell cars is to drape hot models over them. Should work for a matchbox car just the same way…
Barbie Is Still A Dirty Whore
By 5.31.06
Given the fact that most children’s first experience oggling the fascinating mystery of the opposing gender’s genitalia comes from pulling down a Barbie or Ken doll’s genitalia and examining the amorphous mass of plastic at the crotch, it probably shouldn’t be surprising that there’s a lot of busy-body parental groups who are willing to launch consumerist campaigns any time Barbie exhibits a glimmer of sexuality.
The News: All The Fat That’s Fit To Print
By 5.26.06
• Hasbro cancels plans for line of racy dolls based around ‘Pussycat Dolls,’ switches focus to My First Little Lolita rollout. [NYT]
Oozinator Doesn’t Want Our Interview
By 5.24.06
We submitted our questions to Hasbro PR but for some strange reason we can’t fathom, they’re less than oozing out of their suits to speak with us.
Barbie Brand Extension Prompts Farking
By 5.24.06
Like a tired brand getting a face lift, the revelation that Mattel will trot a line of 50’s inspired Barbie dolls prompted Farkers to Botox another trope, the inapropropriate occupation Barbie.
