Starbucks bravely asked us to try their new healthy breakfast items, knowing full well what a bunch of jerks we are. Why did they do this? No one can say. Anyway, it turns out that their new breakfast items are pretty darn tasty. Our full review inside.

Pike Place Roast Coffee:

Chris: “I like the old “burnt” coffee just fine.” Ben: “This tastes like ‘coffee.’ Like ‘acme brand coffee.'” Meg: “Like from Looney Toons?” Ben: “Yes, exactly.” Carey: “Easily overwhelmed by the milk.” Meg: “If you told me this was Dunkin’ Donuts coffee I wouldn’t punch you in the face and call you a liar.”

Apple Bran Muffin:

The Apple Bran Muffin has 330 calories and costs $1.75 Ben: “This muffin is the sh*t. It has a lot of sugar, though.” Carey: “It tastes like Frosted Flakes in muffin form. It’s Grrrrrrrrreat.” Meg: “I can get behind this muffin.” Chris: “Don’t you pretty much just love muffins, though?” Meg: “Ok, well. Yes. Shut up.”

Perfect Oatmeal:

Perfect Oatmeal has 140-390 calories depending on the toppings you choose. It costs $2.45. Chris: “I just don’t get it. It’s nothing you wouldn’t do at home with instant oatmeal. There’s no Starbucks touch to it. People who eat oatmeal eat it at home or microwave it at work. It tasted fine, but I don’t get it.” Carey: “I’m offended by the term ‘perfect oatmeal.’ It wasn’t perfect. It was all right. And it costs $2.45.” Meg: “The nuts are good. I don’t know about $2.45 good, but good.” Ben: “Once you add the nuts, there’s something to talk about.” Captain Duvel Moneycat:“NOM NOM NOM NOM GET OUT OF THE WAY NOM MOVE OVER NOM”

Power Protein Plate:

The Power Protein Plate has 330 calories and costs $4.95. It contains a hard-boiled egg, peanut butter, a small bagel, grapes, apples and cheese. Chris: “This is a good package, but I don’t like hard boiled eggs.” Ben: “Good portion size. I like it.” Carey: “This is an airplane breakfast.” Meg: “I would buy this at the airport and take it on United Airlines because it doesn’t cost 9 %#%@-ing dollars.”

Which of these options, if any, would you personally buy? Any final thoughts?

Chris: “I have already bought the “Stella” (280 calories, $1.75) and will again. It’s a “not unhealthy” choice. I’m impressed with the changes Starbucks has made overall. It’s true that the breakfast sandwiches stink up the place. It was not a good smell. Regularly brewing the coffee makes a difference as well.” Ben: “I’d have to have a reason to eat at Starbucks, but if I did, I’d get the protein pack. That’s your 4 food groups right there, and its a sensible portion. It’s convenient. And there’s pepper. For the egg. They even peel it for you. That’s great.” Carey: “If Starbucks showed up every morning with a breakfast like this, there are some days when I would open the door.” Meg: “The oatmeal was a little pricey for what it was, but it did taste good, especially once you added the nuts. I would eat that muffin again. Damn, I love muffins.” Captain Duvel Moneycat: “I love this oatmeal more than anything I have ever known. It has opened my eyes and given my life purpose. Never again will I take for granted the miracle of God’s finest creation — the oat. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to lick the floor where someone accidentally dropped some.”

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