Help Us Find The Right Consumerist T-Shirt Model

It’s slow this morning. There’s no tips; our feeds run dry. It seems like the nation’s companies have hardly screwed up at all over the last couple of days. This makes us fear for our jobs.

So impromptu poll time. As you know, we recently held a contest for you guys to help us find a slogan for an official Consumerist t-shirt. “I’m thinking of writing a strongly worded letter” topped your choices, followed closely by “I’m thinking of never wearing this t-shirt.” We also threw in “Mystery Shopper”, because secretly, Ben and I hated the winning slogan.

At the start of the contest, I told Ben that I would find us a sultry female model to stretch a too-small baby t-shirt across her heaving, lustful mammaries.

Sex appeal sells, or so we’re told. And hell, I’m a guy. I had two likely candidates for such a model. One is my friend Kathy, a tall, leggy and athletic ex-stripper. However, her assets, as they are, would probably be sneered upon with contempt by the Russ Meyers set.

There is also my friend Stacey, Kathy’s voluptuous opposite, whom I approached the other day. My pitch: “We’re getting a t-shirt designed. We need someone to model it. And, being totally blunt, if that girl had spectacular breasts, it would probably sell better.”

But Stacey’s response was interesting: ” I’ll tell you something about myself, as an intelligent, hip woman. I check out a lot of sites selling one-off custom shirts by print artists and such. And I LOVE it when they use flat-chested models. They’re not pulling out bells and whistles, they’re using real people, and they’re letting the shirt stand for itself. If you’re looking to sell women’s-cut t-shirts, you should consider throwing in some smaller, and larger (as in fatter) models. It really catches women’s attention, because we don’t see them used as models all that often.”

I always listen to a woman with a spectacular rack, or at least pretend to. So I did some research. And whaddayaknow: outside collaboration.

So here’s the question: when we finally get this t-shirt designed, what kind of sultry babe do you want to see model it? Petite and pretty? Voluptuous and burlesque? An upright hog waving her trotters through the arm holes? We’d like to market this baby right. Let us know in the comments.

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