To get you in the mood for the emerald-green, snake-thwacking debauchery of this Guinness-drenched day, a brief endorsement from our sponsor, McDonald’s.

Our thoughts:

We’ve always thought McDonald’s should branch out to the Shamrock Burger. All they have to do is undercook the patty. Finally, the nature patina of the McDonald’s meat patty harnessed into a triumph of holiday marketing.

Believe it or not, Uncle O’Grimacey is an accurate representation of the average Irish potato-humper in mannerisms, deportment and body type. Even his complexion resembles the verdigris hue of the average Irish person who will be stumbling home from Dublin city center later today.

Grimace, with his insane googly-eyes and nightmarish high-pitched giggling, is just as horrifying as we all remember from when he traumatized us as a child. We know what you’re thinking — what the hell is he? According to his Wikipedia entry, the best guess is that he’s a gigantic, anthropomorphic taste bud, loathsomely pulsating through McDonaldland with an unslakeable thirst for frosty, gelatinous ooze. Start vomiting. Also, the Wiki notes that Grimace was originally called “Evil Grimace” and had six arms, but became good when Ronald McDonald used a magic sword to cut off all but two of his arms. Who knew McDonaldland had its own mythology?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone! Go buy a Shamrock Shake!

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