Hardee’s is marketing its new 930 calorie, 63 grams of fat Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger with the line “Now meat is a condiment.”
health
Don’t Put a Loser on Your Face
By 6.23.06
As with many things in life, we take our health and beauty advice from professional dominatrixes. That’s why we’ll be avoiding purchasing this facial cream, for while a rose may be a rose and so forth…
Fast Food Joints Breed Carrion-Spreading Superflies
By 6.19.06
When I was a child, I once accidentally hit Ronald McDonald with a silver crucifix I was whizzing hyperactively about my head. I remember very clearly the Catholic totem flying through the air; the sizzle and smell of sulfur as it impacted upon Ronald’s ghoulish visage. Immediately, half his face sloughed off his skull in the oozing liquefaction of corpse-like flesh. The next thing I knew, every child in McDonaldland was sitting in an expanding puddle of their own hysterical evacuations as Ronald McDonald (aka Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies) disintegrated into an anthropomorphic cloud of carrion-carrying flies. Forget Morgan Spurlock, forget Fast Food Nation. That was the event that turned me off McDonald’s food forever.
Have A Frosty Glass Of Estrogen!
By 6.2.06
This is the sort of news that makes men’s blood go cold: now that menopausal souse clutching at your thigh isn’t just drunk, she’s high on baby-making estrogen!
Baush Apologizes With Free Eye-Solution
By 5.26.06
Users of Baush & Lomb eyecare products received a letter today.
The News is Tasty Like a Taser
By 5.25.06
• School doesn’t like student complaining on Xanga that the school is a bully, proves him wrong with a 10 day suspension. [Sun Times]
Lady Tells How Moistureloc Made Her Blind. Skeet. Skeet.
By 5.18.06
Here’s an eyewitness account of a user of the infamous Bausch & Lomb Renu Moisture Loc contact lens solution. She went blind in one eye. From the NYT:
Avian Bird Flu Got You Down? Don’t Reuse That Surgical Mask!
By 5.2.06
The oncoming avian flu pandemic is set to turn our nation’s metropolises into apocalyptic nightmare cities filled overturned buses, conflagrating skyscrapers and Starbucks filled with corpses whose doorways have been hastily marked with a chalk cross; where the only sound will be phlegmatic hacking, the ululation of orphans and the incessant tolling of a hand-rung bell.
FDA Says Plan B Causes Teen Sex Cults
By 4.28.06 — Updated: 10.25.12
What the hell? The Manhattan-based Center for Reproductive Rights is grilling FDA officials on their failure to approve the Plan B pill as a drug that can be distributed without a prescription. Why might they not have approved it?
Dollar Menu Pulls McDonald’s Away From The Abyss
By 4.26.06
With all the negative publicity swarming like bitey insects about Ronald McDonald’s ghoulish coulaphobia-inducing visage, how is McDonald’s managing to turn around its sagging profit margins? It’s not from selling salads to hippies. It’s not from setting up a Corporate Responsibility Blog. It’s largely by a return to basics: selling delicious, greasy double cheeseburgers for a buck apiece.
Experts Say Cough Syrups Don’t Work
By 4.26.06
My skull a steadily expanding hydrocephalic sack of mucus, I’ve been swigging a lot of cough syrup lately. I’ve spent a hundred euros on the stuff over the last couple of days, which — roughly translated into America’s currency, the U.S. Cowboyo — is a hell of a lot of money. You empty your wallet on the counter of the local pharmacist, but even in your feverish daze, you know cough medicines don’t really work: it just makes you feel more proactive about your chances of fighting off your body’s alarmingly rapid decomposition into a jell-o monster made of phlegm.
