AOL

Page From AOL Retention Manual

Page From AOL Retention Manual

We’re putting the finishing touches on our big post on the AOL manual but wanted to release this sneak peak…

AOL Retains Customers With Siamese Twin Goatse.cx

AOL Retains Customers With Siamese Twin Goatse.cx

A Little Birdy Went Tweet Tweet….

A Little Birdy Went Tweet Tweet….

…in the coal mine.

BREAKING: Spitzer To Talk To AOL, Again

BREAKING: Spitzer To Talk To AOL, Again

NY Attorney General Elliot Spitzer, pictured at right, throwing up gang signs (see the A and G his hands form?) will meet with AOL executives to discuss whether the company still impedes customers trying to cancel their accounts, Reuters reports.

AOFell

AOFell

AOL’s much ballyhooed plan to dismantle its subscription service and put all its content on AOL.com, as well as discontinue to the use of “retention consultants” to “save” people from cancelling, is far from set in stone.

Choose Your Own AOL Sponsored Spamventure

Choose Your Own AOL Sponsored Spamventure

AOL… Disconnecting… Goodbye!

AOL… Disconnecting… Goodbye!

AObloatage notwithstanding, it would be remiss to end this week/month of fun without linking to the August ’05 agreements AOL made with future NY governor Spitzer regarding revising the ISP’s niggardly retention tactics.

AOL Falls On The Sword to Save the Scabbard

AOL Falls On The Sword to Save the Scabbard

In a climax worthy of a maudlin children’s novella, AOL reportedly intends to convert its walled garden of delights into a public park, a place where everyone, regardless of race, religion, class, creed or knowledge of the many-tubed internet can gather without fear of encountering anything interesting. In other, smaller, words, the entirety of AOL’s proprietary content will be ported to AOL.com to attract visitors and ad-revenue.

AOL Broadband Goes Free

AOL Broadband Goes Free

What happens when that booty becomes too shriveled and diseased to shake for cash? Honey, you gotta start giving it away.

AOL Updates Retention “Offer Matrix”

AOL Updates Retention “Offer Matrix”

Another gemstone that tumbled out of the AOL retention coal mine after Vinny’s call is this update to the ominously monikered, “Offer Matrix.” That’s apparently the sequence of goodies doled out to customers to dissuade them from stopping service. Take the red prophylactic, Neo.

AOL Internal Memos, After Vinny’s Call

AOL Internal Memos, After Vinny’s Call

A disgruntled employee mailed in a triptych of AOL internal emails that followed the cancellation call heard round the world, finally launching the call’s recorder, Vincent, onto The Today Show, CNBC, CNN and even generated a comic strip, a Playboy parody video, and finally, our “Where is he now?” interview.

The News; Supermarket Struck By White Lightning

The News; Supermarket Struck By White Lightning

• You know what they say about giving it away, it makes people think it’s worthless, which in this case is absolutely correct. [CT] “AOL May Offer Some Services Free”
• Glad to hear you finally escaped the cellar and got that slough cleaning job you’ve always dreamed of. [NYT] “Jobless Claims Fall Slightly”
• The sky’s price for friendliness just got $10 more expensive. [CT] “Price Of Flying Takes Skyward Turn Again”
• Globalization died last week of prostate cancer. It was 81. [NYT] “Theodore Levitt Dead”
• The one divorce that really is the kid’s fault. [LAT] “Amazon Opens Toy Store After Toys R Us Ruling”
• Albertson’s, it’s your store, Mr. Aryan Nation. [LAT] “Albertsons Sued Over Racial Discrimination” [More]

Cancel The Playboy Account

First, a comic, and now, a derivative parody video.

AOL Asks You To Resubscribe To Confirm Your Cancellation

AOL Asks You To Resubscribe To Confirm Your Cancellation

Last week, Chat Noir tried to cancel his AOL account. He succeeded! Unfortunately, they tried to sucker him in with a further ploy: they told him he could check out his ‘totally free’ email account anytime, but later, a robotic voice clearly told him doing so would be taken as assent to resubscribe.

Consumer Affairs AOL Complaints Round-Up II

Consumer Affairs AOL Complaints Round-Up II

Vincent Ferrari Teaches Us How To Hope Again

Vincent Ferrari Teaches Us How To Hope Again

Our good friend Vincent Ferrari — the shameless self-promoter who recorded the AOL Cancellation call, tipped us, then tipped everyone else on the Internet before we could even get Boing Boinged (but we totally adore him anyway) — sent us word that he’s done a few more cancellation calls, this time for credit cards, with far better results. And by better results, we mean worse from the perspective of pure entertainment. But good service is what matters, right?

AOL Customer Retention in Words & Pictures

AOL Customer Retention in Words & Pictures

Be an AOL Retainer!

Be an AOL Retainer!