Lest you think that Guy Fieri’s oft-ridiculed Times Square restaurant had closed up shop amid a surfeit of negative reviews and concerns over What Exactly Is In That Donkey Sauce, fear not! Not only is the American Kitchen and Bar still alive and ostensibly shoveling the aforementioned sauce down diners’ throats, but you can pay $795 for a VIP table for two to hang out there on New Year’s Eve.

You know, if Applebee’s isn’t upscale enough for you.

According to The Braiser (via EaterNY), that was the price listed on the event producer’s site BallDrop.com for a couple’s VIP table. Now it just says “call for more info,” but upon calling there was only a recorded greeting telling callers to email the site with questions. We’ll let you know if we hear back from the email we sent.

So what do you get for all that moolah? The healing powers of drippings from Fieri’s glossy blond lock? A lifetime supply of Donkey Sauce? Nah, just some food, an open bar, a bottle of Champagne and the musical stylings of a DJ. Oh and you have to pay to have your coat checked.

Stationary Hors d’oeuvres

Imported Cheese Board
• Baked Garden Pasta tomato cream sauce and fresh vegetables
• Rotisserie Roasted Garlic-Rosemary Chicken garlic, fresh rosemary, lemon sauce with mashed potatoes
• Motley Que BBQ Ribs glazed with Guy’s beer BBQ sauce

Platters for VIP Table (For VIP GUESTS ONLY)
• Cheese Plate
• Vegetarian California Egg Roll served with Thai chili dipping sauce
• Bourbon Brown Sugar Wings tossed in bourbon brown sugar BBQ sauce

That’s right — imported cheese. But wait, does that mean it’s not American Cheese? Because this place is allll about America.

“The walls are proudly decked out in red, white and blue brick and a painted American flag that would make any non-American citizen envious.”

We’re not entirely sure the word anyone would use in this situation would be “envious.” That is, unless Fieri himself is there, ladling cheese directly into everyone’s mouths.

A VIP Table for Two at Guy Fieri’s New Year’s Eve Party Costs, Wait for It, $795 [TheBraiser.com]

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