Earlier this week, a northern New York man was caught doing a terrible, terrible thing to an innocent stick of pepperoni. He was arrested and put behind bars…not just for lewd behavior in public in a Hannaford store, but because they had to destroy the pepperoni he had defiled afterward.

A local TV station explained that store security spotted the man on a security camera when he “rubbed a packaged stick of pepperoni on his exposed penis.” Then he put the pepperoni back on the shelf.

Naturally, the store couldn’t sell the pepperoni after that, so he was charged with fourth-degree criminal mischief in addition to public lewdness. It’s too bad that “crimes against cured meats” isn’t a category unto itself.

Potsdam Man Accused Of Rubbing Pepperoni On His… [WWNY]

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