Shocker: Enviga Doesn’t Actually Burn Calories

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A soft drink that actually burns calories is like a burrito that makes your flatulence smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls: the holy grail of science. Every reasonable man is skeptical that it can be done; nevertheless, we fat-asses keep hoping.

Still, there’s a good reason to believe that Coke’s new Enviga drink, advertised as “The Calorie Burner,” is a total scam, and Mouseprint has finely combed the small print to showcase the absurdity.

For one thing, the study that ‘proved’ that Enviga burned calories was only 32 people of normal weight. No one actually burned any fat, even when they were on placebos, but heck… “energy expenditure” was higher for Enviga drinkers. Whatever the hell that means.

Coke, of course, officially denies their drink burns calories, wandering around the wording of their fine print with a weasel-like slither. Heck, we’re only marketing it as ‘The Calorie Burner.’ It’s not like we’re saying it burns calories or something!

Enviga from Coke: Burns More Calories Than it Contains* [Mouseprint]