It’s a big day at Kmart. They’ve settled a bunch of lawsuits and they’re ready to move on. To what, I don’t know. I haven’t been inside a K-mart since 1983, and neither has anyone else without a lawsuit pending.

Lawsuit #1:

Mother sues Kmart and her son-in-law for daughter’s death. Apparently, the son-in-law was a pharmacist who stole Vicodin for his wife, who then overdosed. “Accused of stealing Vicodin pills from the pharmacy and giving them to his wife for her migraine headaches, Christmann J. Cole served 18 months in prison after pleading guilty to embezzlement.Tina Cole’s mother Judi Davis and her attorney declined comment Monday. They argued Kmart failed to provide procedures to prevent removal of controlled substances.”

The details of the settlement have not been made public, and Kmart denies any wrongdoing.

Moral: Don’t hire Courtney Love as a Pharmacist.

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Lawsuit #2: “Kmart will pay $295,000 to a former employee who, according to a federal lawsuit, was sexually assaulted by her supervisor in the company’s Norristown store.That failure, the suit said, led to a second assault, less than two months later, by the same supervisor on another teenage female employee.

“The supervisor, identified in the lawsuit as Alan Payne, asked the girl to go with him to the stockroom to get candy to restock store shelves on Oct. 3, 2003. Against her will, Payne, then 20, sexually assaulted her.”

The cops arrested him two weeks later, but Kmart continued to let him supervise teenage girls. Then, on Nov. 26 of the same year, the same guy allegedly tried to pull the same shit on another employee.

Is Kmart taking its cues from the Catholic Church? At least they didn’t transfer him to another Kmart. Kmart denies any wrongdoing.

Moral: Fire people who sexually assault teenage part-timers. Damn.

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