As far as we are concerned, the function of a movie critic is to let you know (in as entertaining way), whether or not you should drop your hard earned cash to see a movie in a theater, if you should wait for cable, or if you should run screaming in the opposite direction.

Peter Hammond (formerly of Maxim) does not perform this function. He does not help the consumer make an informed decision. He says whatever will get his name splashed across movie advertising. Even his negative reviews contain ready-made blurbs, and he has been known to alter his wording at the request of studio executives.

Now he has been fired. eFilmCritic collected some of his 88 movie blurbs from 2007. Here are a few we liked:

One to see! (Resurrecting the Champ)
Everyone should see it. (In the Shadow of the Moon)
A must-see movie. (The Number 23)
It’s a must-see movie! (The TV Set)
A must-see film that audiences will love. (The Bucket List)
Do yourself a big favor and put this movie at the top of your must-see list. (Starter for 10)
A movie you must see. (Reign Over Me)
Do not miss this film. (Zodiac)
This is a movie not to be missed (A Mighty Heart)
The can’t miss it, gotta see it feel great comedy of the year. (Dan In Real Life)
A movie that should – and must – be seen. (Trade)
This is one of those rare gems you must not miss. (Control)

A bone-chilling, disturbing thriller. (Trade)
A spellbinding, real-life suspense thriller. (Breach)
A psychological thriller full of great visual style… (Revolver)
A gripping psychological thriller that will have you guessing from start to finish. (Premonition)
A sleek, surprising and surefire thriller that will grab you by the throat. (Fracture)
A fiercely original shocker. (Alpha Dog)
An absolute shocker in every way imaginable. (Hannibal Rising)
A smart, highly entertaining non-stop shocker. (1408)
A true shocker that will shatter your nerves and get you talking. (The Brave One)

Maxim Fires Blurb Whore Peter Hammond [RADAR]
Maxim’s Pete Hammond is a tool [Philmguy]
THE 2007 MICHAEL MEDVED BAG OF DOUCHE MEMORIAL AWARD [eFilmCritic via Philmguy]

PREVIOUSLY: Maxim Film Critic Changes Quote for CBS and Miramax