Anyone who’s ever lived in an apartment without the sublimely cool luxury of central air has likely tackled the seemingly insurmountable task of installing a window AC unit. It’s a stressful time, to say the least, unless you’re an expert. Because most of us aren’t, wouldn’t it be great if installation instructions were a lot more honest?

Over at HappyPlace.com they’ve got a reworked set of instructions that more effectively mirror the true experience of installing a window unit in your place of residence. We’ve picked a few of our favorites, the ones that cause us to break into a sweat just thinking about attempting this feat more than once a year.*

• Place your air conditioning unit on the floor for several days as you summon the nerve to dangle its enormous weight and girth from your bedroom window.

• If you are a single woman, go to several bars to try and lure a man home in the hope that he will install the unit for you either before, during or after intercourse.**

• If you don’t have a screwdriver, use a butter knife or your thumbnail to haphazardly secure the gargantuan machine to the window with whatever loose screws you can find around the house. if you don’t have any screws, then paper clips, thumb tacks, or chewing gum work just fine.

• When your air conditioner inevitably falls and kills somebody, find a good lawyer. He will sue your building for having flimsy window fixtures which caused your unit to fall, resulting in your emotional trauma at feeling responsible for someone else’s death. Use your settlement to move someplace with central air.

*Once a year or EVER AGAIN. Raise your hand if you’ve left a window unit in year-round just to save yourself from the terrifying gauntlet of miseries involved in taking that thing out and putting it back in later. Here is where I raise my hand.

**While it was never my intention to suggest a woman would ever need a man’s help or have to lure one home (heck, I always install my ACs on my own and haven’t lured a day in my life) it should be noted that the entire piece — and its accompanying illustrations on the original site — is meant to be ridiculous. Of course a single woman wouldn’t need a man’s help, just like of course it is not okay for your AC to kill someone.

Brutally honest instructions for how to install your gargantuan, 300 pound air conditioner. [HappyPlace.com]

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