Stephen Colbert Mocks Marketingspeak By Cramming Face With 17 Wheat Thins

Have you ever wondered about the specific brand rules that regulate product placement and on-air sponsorships of products on TV? Yeah, us either. Until Stephen Colbert spent the entire second act of his show last night dissecting and mocking a memo from Nabisco spelling out precisely how Wheat Thins can be consumed and presented on the program.

So what should you know before you show Wheat Thins on television? No overconsumption. The serving size is 16 crackers, and a bowl of Wheat Thins shown on TV can’t have any more than 16 crackers.

What is the meaning of Wheat Thins? Who eats them? As the company describes in the memo, Wheat Thins are “[a] snack for anyone who is actively seeking experiences.” Okay. And eating them evidently “[k]eeps you on the path to, and proud of, doing what you love to do, no matter what that is.”

As long as those aren’t “isolated, un-shareable experiences.” Wheat Thins function only to connect “like-minded people, encouraging sharing.” Which isn’t to say that you can’t eat them if your social life consists of watching TV on the couch with your cat. Wheat Thins aren’t an “exclusionary brand.” Good. But Wheat Thins aren’t an iconoclastic cracker, either. The memo also insists that they’re not “[a] crusader or rebel looking to change an individual’s path (or the world.)”

No, we are not making any of this up.

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