UPDATED. Sam loves his Apple products, but their blaming him for the big ladybugs inside his Macbook Pro? It’s enough to turn this fanboy into whatever is the clever name for opposite of a fanboy.

I hesitate to publish this letter because I know you’re all going to tear Sam down for having a history of problems with his Apple products, for daring to show emotion when he feels he’s mistreated by a customer service rep, and because he’s no Hemmingway. But guess what, he’s a real person with a real problem and gosh darnit, that bit about the ladybugs is hilarious.

Sam writes:

To the Consumerist,

I have been a fairly outspoken Apple fan boy for the better part of 10 years now, I used to have nothing bad to speak of about this company….

USED TO being the prerogative statement here, as of a conversation I had with a Apple care specialist named I am not exactly where I stand with the company I once held in such high regard. From this conversation I learned that Apple has decided to blame me on a issue that could not possibly be my responsibility. As outrageous as it sounds, and this is going to be a completely unbelievable, Apple has accused me of infesting my laptop with lady bugs, they even have images to prove there point!

Before we go into the details of this particular issue though lets discuss my customer history with Apple and there portable laptop that I have owned. I have bought 1 Apple laptop in my entire history with the company however because of continuing and ongoing issues Apple has in the past seen it necessary to replace my laptop with newer models no more than twice. Once with my Powerbook and again with the Macbook Pro of which today’s article is about. So in reality if anything this should be teaching me that perhaps Apple’s portables are not the pinnacle of quality that I once thought. but that’s not the only product that iI’e had to have replaced by the company, I have had no less than 4 iPods replaced by the company. Each one that was sent back to me had different issues, at one point they actually lost the product somewhere in the depot and it took an executive “email bomb” to have it retrieved, for my troubles I was refunded for the iPod and given a new one, a generous move considering the ramifications that the company could have been for not helping me in that issue.

So now we come to today’s issue, the mysterious case of the ladybug laptop. Originally I had sent my laptop out for two issues, ones that had been plaguing my laptop since i had received it from apple in April as a replacement for my Powerbook. these issues where the following:

1. My slot loading super drive would take media but not properly eject it, basically the disc would get stuck before it could properly exit the super drive making it impossible to use the drive.

2. My screen had a portion in the middle that was becoming brighter when you darkened the screen
So I called Apple care and asked for a product specialist (I have learned that talking to these higher level techs is really the only way to have the issues fixed)I reported all my findings and asked for a box to be shipped to my house and was given my case number and repair dispatch ID and I sent the box out. A few days later and a status report or two on, and I see that the repair is on hold so I call in and am transferred to a Depot specialist who informed me that the laptop had experienced “Massive and irreparable water damage” I was quoted $1,250 to have the laptop repaired which was apparently right on the verge of what apple called the “repair to replacement threshold.”

At this point I was upset, beyond upset I was being told that my laptop could not be repaired under my Apple care for an issue that had been plaguing my laptop since I received it from apple as a replacement for my previously defective laptop and I said that exact statement representative who repeated to me “Sir I am writing down that you accept that you are the cause of the water damage” at which point I became incredibly upset. If I wasn’t upset at that point the situation was made worse when I received a direct threat from the depot specialist telling me that “if it wasn’t broken before, it definitely will be now” as far as customer service goes, a line like that will generally receive a screaming voice I however decided to be decidedly calmer, I quietly but curtly asked for my laptop to be sent back as soon as possible, at which point the depot rep hung up on me.

Now lets talk about this for a second. Not only was I directly threatened by this employee but I was also hung up on, two acts that besides being rude also caused me to become increasingly upset at the quality of customer service that I have sadly come to accept as being Apple Care. I decided to let a few days pass at which point I would call the company again and try to even things out.

On Monday December 8Th, 2008 I called into Apple and at 12:01PM. The rep understood my situation and agreed that the previous depot rep who I had talked to acted in a completely unacceptable manner and decided to investigate my issues further. After waiting on hold he told me that there was nothing that could be done for me concerning the laptop, I politely reminded him that this laptop was a replacement for a defective laptop and now i was dealing with just another defect after which he decided to try “one last option” at 12:06PM I was put back on hold and at 12:11PM He came back and told me that after looking at some images sent to him from the depot he reported to me that he saw bugs on the main logic board, not just any bugs, he saw lady bugs on the main logic board, he said because of this Apple had decided to take the position that I had somehow gotten the bugs into my laptop and that they would not fix my computer or help me with the cost of fixing my laptop.

He however did agree that the bugs where far to big to somehow wander into my laptop and concurred that these bugs where probably in the computer during the manufacturing process (Illegal alien bugs if you will)I was speechless and flabbergasted at what had been what I thought was a simple repair could turn into such a stupendous issue. It became clear to me that this laptop had been jinxed from the moment it was made, at any rate I thanked Ted for helping me, as a final note he suggested that I write this article and send it to anybody at apple who would be willing to listen and so here I write my final opus on the Macbook Pro (early 2008) that was sent in for repairs, damaged with water from the get go and infested with lucky lady bugs.

And so I ask the following:

1. Please fix or replace my laptop, its obvious at this point that I have been both mistreated, threatened and accused of things I cannot possibly be the assailant of.

2. A formal Apology for the abysmal repair/replacement cycle I have been thrown into with Apple from somebody who matters at the company.

3. To commend the service of the representative (redacted) for his ability to cut away from script to realize that lady bugs in my laptop probably meant that I had an issue that needed to be dealt with some other way than through him.

In essence I haven’t had what we would call a satisfactory history with apple portable products, I can only hope that this issue can be resolved somehow and my thoughts could be reversed somehow.

thank you and good evening.

I don’t think ladybug infestations are included in the Apple warranty, but I don’t they’re excluded either.

My suggestion: Have a friend help you make this letter more concise, then send it to sjobs@apple.com.

(Photo: Getty)

Want more consumer news? Visit our parent organization, Consumer Reports, for the latest on scams, recalls, and other consumer issues.