Cereal Straws? What? Are They Kidding?

We thought Kellogg was going to stop marketing unhealthy crap to kids? Oh well, the big bright picture of Toucan Sam on the front of Kellogg’s new “Cereal Straws” must mean that they are super healthy! Wow!

We know what you’re asking. “What, Dear Consumerist, is a “Cereal Straw”? Well, sorry to disappointed you, but we have no idea. If we are to believe the package, they are “milk-suppin’ fun.”

Here’s a description from a human who was brave enough to eat one:

They are lined in the middle with that sickly sweet powdered milk that seems to be popping up in granola and cereal bars everywhere. Someone needs to tell these guys that it does NOT replace milk and that we can all tell it’s just sweetened coffee creamer. Fortunately, the flavor of that is masked by the Froot Loop shell.

The straws themselves are rather sturdy and hold up well to milk. They last a long time without getting soggy and do actually work as straws. They basically taste like Froot Loops, which is all you could realistically hope for. Sadly, the cereal straws live in a paradoxical existence; humans cannot eat and drink at the same time. Well…I guess soup makes us do that, but let’s ignore that for a second.

Once you take a single bite of the cereal straw, it becomes too short for drinking and the fun immediately dissipates. If you just sit there and drink the milk, you’ll just be wasting the straw as it imparts no flavor and is generally useless. Once you get to the bottom, you realize you have a half-soggy cereal straw with no milk to wash it down with.

You know, if we wrote about every stupid, disgusting product that came along we’d write about nothing else, but occasionally there comes a product like “Cereal Straws” that stops us in our tracks and makes us say, “Ew.”


Froot Loops Cereal Straws
[The Impulsive Buy via BuzzFeed]