Eat a Cockroach, Ride a Rollercoaster.

Six Flag’s Great America. Ah, those halcyon days of youth, strapped to one of the American Eagle’s dual trains with only a lapbar and someone else’s mom to keep your skinny ass from bouncing the hell out of the car. Oh, the memories.

Oh, the lines.

If only there was a way to skip them. To ride Batman: The Ride over and over and over… To risk contracting jock itch from Iron Wolf… To crack your C1 on The Demon

Brownlee’s mother (yes, really) writes us:

“Most kids hate waiting in line, John was no exception. When he discovered that the disabled went to the head of the line at many amusement parks, he urged me to break out an old cane (from a teenage (mine) injury) and bring it to Canobie Lake Park. After my stroke, he offered to take me to Disney World in Florida, and push the wheelchair (which I don’t need). Now he can do it on his own, and give new meaning to “The Consumerist”

Of course he will have to go through PETA protests, and eat a cockroach for each line jump.


Edit Your Comment

  1. Or as one Deadspin commenter asked, “But what do you have to do to cut the ‘Eat a Live Cockroach’ line?”

    Meta, man.

  2. homerjay says:

    Faking an injury to get to the front of the line at Canobie??? There’s never more than 5 people in line to begin with at that place!

    Way to teach your son to scam the system, Ma Brownlee. Looks like its paying off.

  3. RandomHookup says:

    So it was Brownlee always crowding up the “10 items or less” line in the supermarket with 14 items that he then took out to his Hummer parked in the compact only handicapped spot. And left the cart behind in his wake. I’ve been meaning to talk to him about the pile of dog crap left in my front yard.

  4. B says:

    “Faking an injury to get to the front of the line at Canobie??? There’s never more than 5 people in line to begin with at that place!” Yea, and four of them were injured on previous rides.

  5. meandertail says:

    Oh, homerjay. You so beat me to that. What at Canobie is worth waiting in line for at all? Also, I hate it when I’m reading the Consumerist without a care in the world and am suddenly subjected to flashbacks of my summer job in high school.

  6. homerjay says:

    Back in the old days that would have been more accurate than you may realize.

  7. GenXCub says:

    Disney changed their policy just a few years ago, it was always very easy to get a Special Assistance Pass from disney city hall… they took your word for it, and you walked around with either a limp or a mental disability (let the drool begin!). Now the infirm must just use FastPass.

  8. GenXCub says:

    It ate my comment!! Okay, here it is again.

    Disneyland used to hand out Special Assistance Passes to anyone who asked for one, so it was fairly easy to fake a limp or a mental illness to cut in line, we wouldn’t need the cane, just get a good line of drool going. It has since been ended, and now the mentally infirm must just use FastPass

  9. homerjay says:

    Oh I’m not saying Canobie is a crappy place. Its great if you’ve got kiddos and you live 5 minutes from there and you get heavily discounted tickets. Other than that, yea, you’re right.

  10. The_Truth says:

    You would think that PETA would come out in support of this contest, you know “People for the Eating of Tasty Animals” PETA…

  11. jacques says:

    Whalom was much more fun for waiting in lines for crappy rides. Ah, memories

  12. jacques says:

    Everyone knew it was much more fun to wait in lines at Whalom for crappy rides.

  13. EBW says:

    Ah, Great America. The Great American Eagle caused me permanent organ failure. What is it with wooden roller coasters? Why do we still have them? It’s like being inside that machine at the home store that shakes up paint.

  14. homerjay says:

    Not all wooden roller coasters are like that- just the ones that suck. In fact, some steel coasters make me want to hurl.

    The smoothest one (and therefore most fun) I’ve experienced was Superman at Six Flags.

  15. The Bans says:

    Can someone punch that kid in the face? Another example how parents don’t teach their kids values and would rather be friends to their kids than parents.

  16. LafinJack says:

    “Not all wooden roller coasters are like that- just the ones that suck. In fact, some steel coasters make me want to hurl.”

    Aren’t roller coasters *designed* to make you hurl?

  17. AcidReign says:

    …..My favorite coaster is the Hulk at Universal Orlando. Wow. This thing ACCELERATES up the first ramp, then you flip over and go down the first ginormous drop upside-down! Whooooooo! My stomach never fails to get tied up in knots! Last October, my son discovered that he could get in the “single riders” line, and ride in the front seat every time, and in about a third the wait time. He repeated this several times, and was walking sideways the rest of the day…

    …..It seems to me that most parks I’ve been to tend to outlaw riders who aren’t in perfect health. Disabled? Man, they are refused the quickest of all! When I was last at Epcot, they were turning anyone away from Mission Space who looked the slightest bit overweight!

    …..I’m calling bullshit, at least in this day and age!