From reader Pointed Cap, a finely crafted and amusing tale of US Bank customer service ineptitude with a real kicker at the end.

I am a former US Bank account holder. This story makes me feel good about that. For various and sundry reasons, I need a bank statement from nine months ago. It’s nowhere to be found – not in my file cabinet, nor my workbag, nor my kindling pile.

So I call US Bank’s nationwide customer service, 800-872-2657. They say no, they can’t provide old bank statements to former account holders. I need to take my photo ID and $6.00 to the branch where I opened the account.

Me: “I opened my account in 1986. That’s 20 years ago. Is that branch still open?”
US Bank Rep #1: “Yes sir, that bank is still open at such-and-such address.”
Me: “How do I get there?”
US Bank Rep #1: “I suggest calling the branch and asking for directions.”
Me: “I know WHERE it is. I don’t know HOW I’m going to travel 1,100 miles to get there.”

It gets better, after the jump…

“After more clever back-and-forth, US Bank Rep #1 directs me to a Local Branch where my ID and $6.00 should do the trick.

Me: “OK, what do I do when the Local Branch directs me back to you?”

US Bank Rep #1: “They won’t do that. They can help you there. But call first.”

I call first.

Local Branch Rep: “Our system doesn’t go that far back, you have to call US Bank Customer Service.”

Again.

US Bank Rep #2: “Yes I can provide that bank statement for you. No charge. I’ll waive the $6 fee since you’re not an account holder. Where would you like me to send it?”

Wha!??! So I level with him. I tell him I’ve been bouncing around for 30 minutes getting all kinds of different stories. Would it help their processes if I complained to someone about it?

US Bank Rep #2: “You can complain if you want, but we’ll just put it up on the board with all the other things we need to work on.”

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