The same communities that once passed zoning regulations and fought tooth and nail against the threat of a Big Box being deposited in their neighborhood a now turning to Wal-Mart as their last refuge from the gruesome bloodbaths being unleashed in their own backyards.

“Once you’re actually inside, it’s not so bad,” commented one Wichita Falls native, firmly entrenched in his Wal-Mart fortress “When the security shutters are down, the sturdy concrete design makes the place virtually unassailable by the flesh-eating undead. There’s plenty of canned goods, a great selection of periodicals, a fully-stocked phamacy, a wide-selection of televisions and radios to use to catch emergency broacasts or just to while away the pointless monotony of a post-apocalyptic life playing the Gamecube. Heck, there’s even a gun department!”

“My favorite section is home and garden. I can just kick back on the patio or putter around on the fiberglass lawn. It reminds me of the days when I could kick back in the garden, crack open a beer and relax without worrying some fucking cannibal was gonna suck my bowels out of my belly button.”

But while the Wal-Mart’s patented Big Box design makes it impervious to zombie attacks, it also makes it a conspicuous target for America’s increasing majority of roaming motorcycle gangs.

“Wal-Mart’s wide selection of products and low, low prices is common knowledge to most Americans. Unfortunately, that makes us a target, and once those gangs break in, it’s just an orgy of pillage, rape and murder until either the gang moves on or the zombies flood in and eat us all. Luckily, Wal-Mart’s now stocking the morning-after pill to deal with the horror of raising an unintended child in today’s zombie-infested world.”

Want more consumer news? Visit our parent organization, Consumer Reports, for the latest on scams, recalls, and other consumer issues.