This Week In: Product Recalls

Owning any of these products may kill you.

Snowboard Bindings
Toy Jewelry
Toy Flashlights
Toy Mobile Phones
Facial Cleansing Massagers

The danger posed to you, your family, and your belief structure, after the jump…

snowboard bindings

Hazard: The snowboard bindings can break, posing a risk of injury when in use.
Remedy: Consumers should stop using the snowboard bindings immediately and return them to a Decathlon store for a gift certificate or reimbursement. Consumers will also receive a free pair of self-heating snow gloves.


s see, we can use those self-heating snow gloves for cupping our balls in a warm cradle of embrace and solace as we await the arrival of the St. Bernards with booze collars to pry our shattered vertebrae out of the tree bark after our near-fatal snowboard accident. We realize this makes no sense as if you have the self-heating snow gloves, you’ve already returned the faulty bindings. That’s okay. We’re cool with that.

Facial Cleansing Massager

Hazard: The cleansing pillows on this device can loosen or dislodge during use and then the SkinVitalizer can cause scratches to the skin.


You apply a useless face dildo in an effort to recapture the fa
ade of your lost youth, only to have deep gouges cut into it. IRONIC. Maybe you should use a WASHCLOTH instead of being RETARDED.

Don’t get mad when people talk on their cellphone in the theatre, just gift ’em one of these babies.


iPlay My First Mobile Phones
Hazard: The toy phone
s yellow antenna can detach, posing a choking hazard.

Little Tikes Co. Recalls Animal-Shaped Flashlights Containing Lead Paint

Hazard: The light green paint on the dinosaur-shaped flashlight and the brown paint on the dog-shaped flashlight could contain excess levels of lead. Lead is toxic if ingested by young children and can cause adverse health effects.


To say nothing of the toxic effects of the Glowin
Dino and Doggy
s overwhelming schmaltz!

More at Consumer Product Safety Comission

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