John Oliver Pledges To Eat McDonald’s, Drink Budweiser If They Use Sponsorship Power To Change FIFA

Last week, the soccer world was rocked when numerous current and former FIFA officials were arrested and charged with accepting illegal kickbacks and bribes. Only days later, FIFA President Sepp Blatter, under whose oversight these alleged crimes have occurred for nearly two decades, was reelected. That’s why John Oliver has called on FIFA’s high-profile sponsors to use their financial leverage to effect some change in the most powerful soccer organization in the world.

In addition to last week’s corruption allegations, FIFA and Blatter have been criticized for awarding the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, a nation with a horrendous human rights record where more than 1,000 migrant workers have already died working on Cup-related projects. Others have complained about having their passports and visas taken away from them by bosses, while also not being paid for months at a time.

Sponsors like Visa and Coca-Cola have already responded to concerns about the Qatar event, but have thus far not given any indication of backing out of their sponsorships.

There’s also the upcoming Women’s World Cup event being hosted by Canada. Not only is FIFA okay with all of the games being played on artificial turf that can shred players’ bare skin, but Blatter has publicly suggested that female soccer players show more flesh in order to drum up more interest in the sport.

“It is rare to find a non-fired boss who will openly say, ‘I would like to make it easier for me to masturbate to my employees,’” says Oliver. “That is pretty much the full extent of Blatter’s care for female player’s legs.”

In the run-up to last week’s FIFA presidential election, Blatter offered a rather weak defense of the scandals that have occurred on his watch.

“I know many people hold me ultimately responsible for the actions and reputation of the global football community,” he explained. “I can not monitor everyone all of the time.”

Oliver likened this to “basically Charles Manson saying, ‘Listen, I’ve got a big family. I don’t know what Squeaky gets up to half the time.’”

Ultimately, Blatter’s continued presence at the head of FIFA comes down to money.

“The last group to get rid of [Blatter] is in the hands of the only group even more powerful than world governments,” explains Oliver. “Barring an indictment, the only people powerful enough to get rid of Sepp Blatter are FIFA’s sponsors.”

To these advertisers — Budweiser, McDonald’s, Kia, Hyundai, Adidas, Coca-Cola, Visa — Oliver begged, “Please, make Sepp Blatter go away. I’ll do anything.”

To Adidas: “I’ll wear one of your ugly shoes, that make me look like the Greek god of aspiring DJs.”

To McDonald’s: “I will take a bite out of every item on your dollar menu, which tastes like normal food that was cursed by a vindictive wizard.”

To Budweiser: “I will even make the ultimate sacrifice… I will put my mouth where my mouth is and I will personally drink one of your disgusting items. I’m serious. It can be a Bud Light. I will even drink a Bud Light Lime, despite the fact that all the lime in the world can not disguise the fact that this tastes like a puddle beneath a Long John Silver’s dumpster… If you get rid of the Swiss demon that has ruined the sport I love, this will taste like f*cking champagne.”

Want more consumer news? Visit our parent organization, Consumer Reports, for the latest on scams, recalls, and other consumer issues.