John Oliver: New Year’s Eve Is “Like The Death Of A Pet”

For some people, Dec. 31 is the night to send out the old year with a blast, celebrating and partying into the early hours of the new year. But for others, it’s a day marked on the calendar to lock oneself in the basement with enough sustenance and water (and access to a toilet and sink) while waiting the debauch out.

HBO’s John Oliver is one such person who believes that New Year’s Eve is just too much after a holiday season that is glutted with Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa.

“If you celebrate any of those holidays, you’re undoubtedly exhausted,” he says in the above video. “If you celebrate all of them, your last name probably has several hyphens in it.”

Oliver likens New Year’s to the death of a pet: “You know it’s going to happen but somehow you’re never really prepared for how truly awful it is.”

The annual event combines what he views as “three of the least-pleasant things known to mankind” —
• Forced interaction with strangers,
• Being drunk, cold and tired,
• Having to stare at Ryan Seacrest for five solid minutes, waiting for him to tell you what the time is.

Oliver then gives suggestions on how to get out of different types of NYE invites. Like the recently divorced pal who wants to get together for a night of “guy stuff.”

“‘Guy stuff,’ as we all know is code for strip clubs,” explains Oliver, “and you should absolutely not spend New Year’s Eve in a strip club, unless ebola goes airborne and the only cure is glitter.”

His suggestion is to say that your cousin Paul Smecker has suddenly become ill and that he needs some of your “bonezymes.”

“Bonezymes are a thing I just made up and Paul Smecker is the name of Willem Dafoe’s character in The Boondock Saints,” he explains. “If your friend knows that offhand, cut him out of your life forever.”

Then there is the dreaded invite to a party at your friend’s house.

“That’s a five-hour commitment, if you leave at 12:01,” says Oliver. “Do you really want to sit on your friend’s sofa and watch hummus turn brown all night?”

His answer: Tell your friends that you’re “doing a cleanse.”

“Technically, that’s not an excuse,” he admits, “but the beauty is there will be no follow-up questions because nobody wants to hear about your f**king cleanse.”

Oliver points out that the first line to “Auld Lang Syne” is “Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,” which he thinks is a great suggestion for how to spend the evening.

“There’s no better way of doing that than completely blowing off all your friends and family,” he concludes. “And if you do this right, you will be in bed on New Year’s Eve at 11:45 after watching all five Die Hard movies.”

We couldn’t disagree more. There is no reason on Earth to watch Die Hard #2 or #4.

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