What did you do for the last 27 minutes of your life? It could not possibly have been as entertaining nor as fascinating as watching a 1949 informecial for a Vitamix that includes a recipe for a Carrot/Eggshell/Raisin smoothie.

In what I can only describe as the most intense healthy eating diatribe I have ever witnessed, there’s an intriguing video posted by Vitamix on YouTube that we came upon via @harrymccracken, which the description says stars Vitamix founder William G. “Papa” Barnard. He apparently “created the first infomercial in the U.S. to demonstrate how the Vitamix blender can help families eat healthier with whole foods.”

“Demonstrate” is a catch-all for Bernard’s 27-minute presentation of not only each ingredient in the health drink, but also a flowing account of all the horrible things mothers are serving their children, at the detriment of their health. Beware if you do decide to give up your time to Papa B that at times, his shrieks over the the crimes done to potatoes rival those of the Wicked Witch screeching at getting Dorothy and her little dog, too.

TL;DW VERSION
Because not everyone has 27 minutes to be mesmerized by Papa B’s obsession with Mother’s failure to feed her family healthy food, let me sum things up: There’s the merits of stainless steel based on its use on U.S. battleships and in hospitals for food preparation; lessons in bread crumbs and making whole wheat products with electricity; repeated displeasure with “mother” for cooking their families foods like mashed potatoes and butter carrots, resulting in the loss of teeth, eyeballs and tonsils; and the fact that worms know more than mother what the values of an apple’s skin is, which essentially makes her Eve with a paring knife, trying to unmake the work of God. Apple sauce? Ha. More like “assassinated apples,” Papa Bernard explains.

Also — lots of talk about laxatives.

The entire time, Bernard is adding ingredients to the smoothie’s base of water and orange juice. All and all, into the Vitamix goes: a carrot, an entire egg including the shell, raisins, peanuts, an apple, cucumber (a “natural diuretic!”, celery, lemon, ice cubes.

After crowing that there’s no more seeds, pulp or shells in the liquefied result of what I can only imagine tastes like how a a compost bin smells, Papa Bernard takes a big swig, smacks his lips and proclaims, “Ahh… Delicious!”

Don’t need 27 minutes to do something else more important today? Just see if you can hang with Papa B long enough to not throw up when he drinks that thing:

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