Kmart To Open At 6 A.M. On Thanksgiving For Shoppers Who Hate Their Families

Just in case you hate your family so much that you can’t wait until 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving to pretend that shopping at Macy’s, JCPenney, or Sears is more important than spending the holidays with your “loved ones,” Kmart — the store you used to buy socks at before the Walmart opened in your area — has decided to open at 6 a.m. on Thanksgiving to give you shelter from nagging questions about your job, love life, hair, friends, and why you never call.

Kmart isn’t just opening early for the throngs of people who simply can’t spend a single second more talking to their Aunt Ida, don’t really care about their little brother’s opinion regarding the college football ranking system, or the rank odor of cousin Stan’s “secret recipe dry rub turkey” roasting in the oven. The store is also providing a true safe haven for family haters by staying open straight until 11 p.m. on Black Friday, just in time for you to sneak back into your parents’ house, grab your bag and claim you have to leave because there is a work emergency you need to tend to immediately.

Kmart’s step-sibling, Sears, is waiting until 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving to open and will remain open until 10 p.m. on Black Friday.

While no one is really explaining the reason that Kmart is opening 14 hours earlier than Sears, we’re assuming it’s because no one has actually shopped at Kmart since 1992 so they might as well open the doors early and see if anyone wanders in.

“Sears and Kmart have been leaders in integrated retail, delivering convenient options to create a more rewarding shopping experience for our members, while blurring the boundaries between offline and online shopping,” said a Sears Holdings Corp. exec who apparently has no idea what “leaders,” “convenient,” or “rewarding” mean.