21 New Fast Food Secret Menu Items Uncovered (None Of Which You’d Want To Eat)

Mad's hard-hitting report on heretofore unknown secret menu items. Click to enlarge image.

Mad’s hard-hitting report on heretofore unknown secret menu items. Click to image for full-size version.

Just when we think everyone has stacked every burger on top of every breakfast sandwich, or wrapped a waffle around every available form of meat, a whole new world of secret menu items is uncovered.

For their upcoming issue, on sale Oct. 23, Mad Magazine’s Scott Maiko and Mike Loew have compiled 21 heretofore hidden menu items into one graphic that exemplifies the magazine’s 60-year history of serious journalism.

You can click on the image at the top to see the items, along with actual photographs proving that these are 100% authentic secret menu items and not at all fictional.

Below are the full descriptions of each of the items, which range from the edible-but-why-would-you (Chicken McFlurry, Colonel’s Cheesy Discharge, Jacksonville Lube Job) to potential lawsuit territory (Sausage McMuffin with Sponge, Heimlich Delite, Trawler’s Haul) to ones some of us may have actually been served at some point (Ghost Taco Supreme, Extra Extra Extra Crispy chicken, Whopper Hyperdunk).

Grimace’s Lament: Equal parts creamy strawberry shake and Filet-o-Fish tartar sauce.

Sausage McMuffin with Sponge: Toasted English muffin, savory sausage hot off the griddle, a slice of melted American cheese and the sponge they use to wipe the griddle clean when breakfast service is over.

Chicken McFlurry: Reduced-fat soft serve vanilla ice cream with Chicken McNuggets swirled in, with caramel and barbecue sauce drizzled on top.

Saucedilla: Six hot sauce packets folded into a freshly grilled tortilla.

Ghost Taco: Crunchy corn taco shell unfettered by seasoned beef, crisp shredded lettuce and real cheddar cheese.

Ghost Taco Supreme: Crunchy corn taco shell unfettered by seasoned beef, crisp shredded lettuce and real cheddar cheese, but loaded with sour cream.

Trawler’s Haul: Whitefish filet and eight shrimp served in an employee’s hair net.

Low Tide at Innsmouth: Platter of fish, shrimp and hushpuppy remnants that fell through the basket and settled on the bottom of the deep fryer. (Call ahead to find out when they drain the oil!)

Tropical Windstorm on the Farm: Salmon caesar salad dumped into a plastic grocery bag, then tossed and gently warmed by holding the bag under the hand dryer in the ladies’ room.

Colonel’s Cheesy Discharge: Fried chicken crumbs from the trays in the display warmer, swimming in a cup of mac & cheese sauce.

Mass Grave: Large bucket with chicken byproducts (left over from processing of new “Boneless Chicken”) buried in mashed potatoes.

Extra-Extra-Extra Crispy: Chicken pieces that have been left in the fryer overnight. (Order the night before.)

Six-Inch Cleanup: Sub made entirely with items that have fallen into the wrong ingredient receptacles, garnished with the bits and crumbs that accumulate on that long white cutting board.

Heimlich Delite: Avocado pits drenched in marinara sauce, served on your choice of bread.

Lapsed Veggie: A sub piled high with peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers and lettuce, hiding the wads of roast beef, black forest ham, salami and bacon crammed underneath.

Arby-LGBTQ: Standard Arby-Q sandwich prepared specifically by a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender employee.

Potato Cake, Trapezoid Style: Shredded potato fried to a crispy golden brown, custom formed before frying from their regular triangular shape into a convex quadrilateral with at least one pair of parallel sides.

Atlanta Dip: French Dip sandwich served with a cup of heated Coca-Cola syrup in place of au jus.

Jacksonville Lube Job: Unwrapped Triple Whopper sliding around on a heavily-mayonnaised Whopper Jr. bun with extra mayo between each patty. (Available at drive-thru only and served without napkins.)

Crispy Prince Albert: Chicken wrap with an onion ring attached to one end.

Whopper Hyperdunk: 1/4 pound beef patty stepped on by the grill cook and embossed with the tread from the bottom of his $200 basketball sneakers.

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