Before You Buy That Gallon Of Whole Milk Your Heart Is Set On, Read These Amazon Reviews

Open your eyes to the world of Tuscan Milk.

Open your eyes to the world of Tuscan Milk.

Forgiveness, dear Consumerist readers, I beg it of you. Last week some kind of demonic being temporarily possessed my body right at the moment I usually gather the funniest Amazon reviews you all send us, and as such, failed to post them. That’s why I’ve worked extra hard — worked, as in, read lots of your emails — to pick some extra delicious, refreshing and wholesome reviews this week. Let’s pick up where we left off previously, shall we? With laughter. 

Kathy, we salute you. Without you, I would never have known that you can buy a gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk on Amazon [Ed. Note: Apparently Mary Beth wasn’t reading Consumerist back in 2006], nor ever be treated to page upon page of glorious, milk-inspired reviews. At $45 a gallon, you can bet there are plenty of those. So here are two, because it’s Friday, and because of that demon last week:

Guys, I cannot stress this enough…read the recommended dosage. I was unprepared for the strength of Tuscan Milk. I always take my Viagra (TM) with a glass of milk. Unfortunately, I did not account for the catalystic properties of Tuscan Whole Milk. 28 days later, I still have an erection. Doctors are unable to treat it and they do not know when my amplified Viagra (TM) will wear off.

And another!

Why go to my local store and pay $2.99 for a gallon of milk when I can have it overnight delivered for 10 times that price? I think I’ll get three gallons next time. As a current Pentagon employee, this makes perfect sense to me. You won’t Be-Lieve the taste of 30 dollar milk. It just coats the tongue with layer upon layer of bovine extract luxury. Internet milk is soooo much more milkyliscious than crappy store bought. Next, I’ll be checking out the $50 12 ounce hot coffee order. Catch the wave!

Nat might not sleep on polyester sheets (who are we to judge?) but he finds these reviews for a set of Microfiber sheets “amazing.” As do I. To wit:

If you have these sheets on your bed when you bring someone home from the club, they will simply bounce off the anti-sex force field these emit. Sleeping on a pile of used maxi-pads and rusty nails would be a more comfortable and rational proposition.

Tom was successful in digging up the funny in a review for “an otherwise fine case for expensive camera gear,” the Pelican 1510-004-110 Case with Padded Dividers, Black. I’d never think to look, so thats off to you, Tom. You’ve done us a great service. Sez: This is one of my favorites about an otherwise fine case for expensive camera gear. I had to include the entire thing.

I purchased this pelican case hoping to use it to contain my pelican. The makers of this product clearly did not do any product testing or even research on common pelicans, because the case was far too small. According to Wikipedia, the common brown pelican is 1.4 meters in length with a wingspan of 2-2.3 meters. My pelican is actually smaller than that (1.3 meters with a 1.8 meter wingspan) but the pelican case was still less than half the size necessary to house my pelican.

This seems to be a problem with makers of animal cases, as the otterbox I purchased was also too small to contain my otter. However, this pelican case was large enough to house the otter. They should have advertised this as an otterbox.

But will Bryan be happy to see Al Gore show up if he uses this Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable? That’s a question we probably don’t even have to ask. It already happened to one guy and sounds awesome:

After I took delivery of my $500 Denon AKDL1 Cat-5 uber-cable, Al Gore was mysteriously drawn to my home, where he pronounced that Global Warming had been suspended in my vicinity.

Yes, I had perfect weather: no flooding, no tornadoes, the exact amount of rain necessary, and he pronounced sea levels exactly right and that they were not going to rise within five miles of my house.

Additionally, my cars began achieving 200 mpg and I didn’t even need gasoline. I was able to put three grams of cat litter into the tank and drive forever.

What’s more, the atmosphere inside my home became 93% oxygen and virtually no carbon dioxide. In fact, I now exhale oxygen.

One heck of a cable.

Didn’t notice any improvement in audio quality though.

The $800 Apple iCable is clearly superior.

Look for more of these next week — I MEAN IT AND WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU AGAIN — and send any submissions you have in the meantime to with the subject line FUNNY AMAZON REVIEWS.

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