We have a hypothesis here at Consumerist. The Sears Holdings Corporation is no longer a retailer, but is only an anti-capitalist prank on a global scale. How else can you explain a company that has a global retail presence, yet seems determined not to sell anything? The latest chapter in this saga comes from Kelly, who wanted to buy a small kitchen appliance that turns frozen fruit into delicious sorbets. Sears, perhaps with a hangover and in desperate need of some personal space after spending the holidays with its more crass cousin Kmart, keeps hanging up on Kelly every time she calls to see whether the item is in stock. She’s taking the hint now.

In my search to purchase a nifty kitchen device that turns frozen fruit instantly into a sorbet/puree called the Yonana, I’ve come to learn that Sears has the best deal on these devices, at $29.99. When using the online portal, I quickly learned that they were sold out of the devices. Attempting to call my nearby Sears store, at [redacted], yielded no better results, but for a different reason. I’ve attempted to contact them no less than 4 times today. I’ll go through them in numerics:

1. Contacted store, was routed to Appliances by the voice system. Apparently this only means large appliances. I was quickly transferred to “small appliances”. After waiting on hold for 10 minutes or so, the line disconnected.

2. Figured “small appliances” was busy, called back several hours later. Asked for “small appliances” and a nice lady from “Kids section” answers the phone. I asked to be transferred to “small appliances”, lady puts me on hold, transfers me and I wait on hold for 4-5 minutes before line disconnects.

3. Figured “small appliances” was still busy, tried my call an hour later. Asked for “small appliances”, got to “kids section” again. Asked her to transfer me, I am put on hold for a moment before call disconnects.

4. Fed up at this point, call the store, ask the robot message for “Manager”, robot asks, do you want to be transferred to a manager, I say “yes”. Phone rings (on what I assume is a manager line) for about 2 minutes, then disconnects.

5. I contact Consumerist. I just want to buy something!! I swear!!

It’s not that we don’t want anyone to shop at Sears. Heck, we’ve been known to shop at Sears (or at least try.) No one there was intentionally malicious or slammed the phone down when Kelly called, but they also didn’t connect her to the relevant department or actually get her the information she wanted.

Want more consumer news? Visit our parent organization, Consumer Reports, for the latest on scams, recalls, and other consumer issues.