What is this obsession with making products look like other products? 1-800Flowers has a bouquet of white flowers in a special basket so it looks like a cupcake. It’s called, “Cupcake in Bloom.” Then you have those tiny “just for decoration” presents with nothing inside. Discovering these at my grandma’s house as a kid, I first began to truly appreciate the world’s cruelty and caprice. There’s doorstops that are made to look like it’s a little kid reaching up for the doorknob, and pencil sharpeners that look like hotdogs. This trend strikes me as disturbing, even perverted…

If you really want a cupcake, go buy a cupcake. If you really want to have little boys trying to claw their way out of your house, just have some kids, it’ll happen naturally enough. Where does this transmogrification madness stop? Perhaps it can’t, it should just be embraced, and expanded on.

Banks, they’re pretty boring, but everyone loves pizza! How about the pizza bank? All the tellers are Italian and wear big tall hats and moustaches, especially the women. When you ask for a withdrawal, they roll out a big sheet of money and toss it up and down in the air and cut out the amount you want. Got some extra cash? Put it in a CD, a Certificate of Deliciousness. I’ll have mine with a 6.25% APR (annual pepperoni rate), please.

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