Because it’s every American’s right (duty?) to be scared, and to shop, someone has invented the perfect terror protection must-have for back-to-school: bulletproof backpacks! The inventors, both of them fathers of school-age children, say the special plate sewn into the back of the bag can withstand not only bullets, but machetes, hatchets, and Ka-bar knives.
The bags went on sale this week for $175 each and weigh less than Kevlar vests. Kevlar vests were so 2004 anyway.
Still no word on when brightly-colored kids’ tasers will hit the market, though.