The Onion skewers the iPhone’s “most highly anticipated features:”

• Nanotechnology enables it to reassemble itself when thrown against wall
• Exclusive link to Google Street View so you can watch yourself using your iPhone at all times
• Takes Polaroids
• When moved from hand to ear, makes Lightsaber sound effects
• Prominent Apple logo
• Reproduces through asexual budding
• Has way, way more PRAM than the last thingy
• Comes with an iPhone hat, so people know you own an iPhone during the brief periods you’re not using it

The only iPhone we’re getting will be made of paper and attached to a string and placed in front of the SoHo Apple store and yanked from around the corner while we cackle and twirl our mustache.

Apple’s New iPhone [The Onion]

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