The Onion Reveals iPhone's Hidden Features

The Onion skewers the iPhone’s “most highly anticipated features:”

• Nanotechnology enables it to reassemble itself when thrown against wall
• Exclusive link to Google Street View so you can watch yourself using your iPhone at all times
• Takes Polaroids
• When moved from hand to ear, makes Lightsaber sound effects
• Prominent Apple logo
• Reproduces through asexual budding
• Has way, way more PRAM than the last thingy
• Comes with an iPhone hat, so people know you own an iPhone during the brief periods you’re not using it

The only iPhone we’re getting will be made of paper and attached to a string and placed in front of the SoHo Apple store and yanked from around the corner while we cackle and twirl our mustache.

Apple’s New iPhone [The Onion]


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  1. Wormfather says:

    WTF, I thought we’d be able to play twister on it!

  2. aishel says:

    haha, i saw this posted awhile ago on engadget. I think by far the best feature is the iPhone hat that you get to wear while you’re not using the phone.

  3. jerseyjokeboy says:

    how scratch resistant is the screen? I think a touch screen phone is a nice idea, but it will most likely fail in terms of convenience. it’s much faster to type on a physical qwerty keyboard, and on the iphone it’ll take forever to type up a message. yeah, iphone has great looks, but not much else.

  4. B says:

    I want it just for the lightsaber sound effects.

  5. castlecraver says:

    I really can’t believe people are going to line up to pay $600 for this thing.

  6. TheUpMyAssPlayers says:

    @castlecraver: Ya. Plus the insane fees attached to it. 1800 bucks a year, nope. I’ll stick with my 600.

  7. Chicago7 says:

    What are the extra fees? I don’t care how good it is, I’m not paying $600 for a phone.

    Geez, they are already talking about UMPCs that have an actual Windows Vista computer for about $600. You can buy one NOW for $1000 – get yourself Vonage or something on that and it does a lot more than the iPhone.

  8. banned says:

    I hope they have the hat in toque version for those in Alaska, lol.

  9. roche says:

    I want a Gordon Gecko phone.

  10. Apparently Madonna already has one. That’s reason enough for me to NOT want one.

  11. nucleotide says:

    I don’t understand why this isn’t a 3G phone. Given that it’s advertised features necessitate 3G speeds.

    Like any apple product DO NOT BUY THE FIRST RELEASE. It WILL be buggy, have crap battery life, and will catastrophically fail leading to hours of unproductive calls with apple CS deigning there is a problem which they’re already aware of.

  12. guroth says:

    The first iPod was a piece of crap

    oh sure eveyrone loves the 3g 4g and 5g ipods, but what about 1g and 2g… pieces of crap

  13. Djinn says:

    Why would someone pay $600 for a P.O.S.? Million dollar marketing campaigns and Apple’s ability to over hype their products.

  14. shades_of_blue says:


    Probably due to the fact that Apple first tried to patch their iPhone at VerisonWireless. Verison is CDMA, so if they already built one, if had to be redesigned for GSM.

    My guess, it was more time and cost efficient to just do a standard GSM mode, after Verison turned them down. Don’t the manufactures have to pay royalties for Edge and G3 tech? I can see Apple leaving it out to skimp on royalty fees.

  15. joemono says:

    @TheUpMyAssPlayers: $1800 a year in fees?

  16. eli_b says:

    @roche: I have one of those…a brick phone?

  17. tcp100 says:

    @joemono: Uh, yeah, you do know that all the neato features aren’t just free and unlimited, right? The voice + data plans are speculated to average about ~100 month, not including text messaging – not so much more than a typical smartphone, really – but it’s a different audience we’re talking about here.

  18. cryrevolution says:

    I have to agree. Don’t buy the first release. Remember the RAZR? P.O.S. Still is, but everyone was so amazed when it first came out. A thin phone? Hoooly crap. They charged out the butthole for it. Then everyone realized that the phone was a piece of sh*t and now they come at $20 a pop.

    Besides there’s already whispers of sucky battery life and kinks anyway. Wait about 6 months to a year.

  19. MiltyKiss says:

    I’m just going to EBay the hat and tell people that I forgot the phone at home! Instant bragging rights! :D

  20. Trackback says:

    above by Inka Essenhigh Personal ads are a bit of a crapshoot. Sometimes, though, the person really shines through and you know immediately who you’re dealing with. For the discerning Echo Park lady, there’s always this. A liberal bitch is a good fuck though. strawberry is a hoe!!!

  21. AlexPDL says:

    This is not funny at all…I spent a LOT of money on my new iPhone and I really want a piece of technology that lets people know Im both superior AND part of a pack of people who are inept or fearful of technology. Don’t bother me Im watching a dog scateboard…. shhhhh.

  22. Wormfather says:

    @jerseyjokeboy: I just tested this thing out in the store and actually, the time it takes to type a message on the touch screen is about the same. You could completly miss every letter in your message and it will figure out what you’re trying to say with amazing accuracy.

    My fiance and I were not interested before, but now we’re talking about “Well if we sell our current ipods on craigslist and move some money here…”