Yes Men Solve the Climate Crisis: Soylent Green

At the Gas and Oil Exposition in Calgary this week, Exxon Mobil executive Florian Osenberg told a rapt audience that the ongoing climate change crisis is no big deal because the dead people can provide “more feedstock.”

In a rousing speech for 300 oilmen and oilwomen with partner Shepard Wolff, the executive reassured the crowd that, even if billions die from expected climate-change-related disasters, the industry will continue to prosper. The oil companies could “keep fuel flowing,” said the execs, by turning all the dead people into oil.

Wolff “described the technology used to render human flesh into a new Exxon oil product called Vivoleum,” according to a press release about the event. “3-D animations of the process brought it to life” and candles were lit in honor of an Exxon Mobil janitor who was the first to undergo the process. The speakers were quickly removed from the stage when it was learned, via a final video testimonial from the deceased, that the candles were the janitor.

Wolff defended his actions for waiting reporters, saying, “150,000 people already die from climate-change related effects every year. That’s only going to go up – maybe way, way up. Will it all go to waste? That would be cruel.” Calgary cops soon arrived, but could find nothing wrong as long as “the executives” agreed to leave the premises.

The executives being the Yes Men, of course. The Yes Men are two guys who impersonate executives from unlovable corporations, get their fake selves invited to speak at conferences, and embarrass the hell out of their targets. You can learn more at And don’t forget to check out these hysterical pictures of the speech. —BRIAN FAIRBANKS