Ah, Lunchables. A stack of thick, fluorescent cheese approximation, waiting to be peeled apart, paired with a slice of a hog’s stuffed rectum and folded between two deliciously cheesy Ritz Crackers. I love ’em and have since I was a child, when the only three varieties were Bologna, Ham or Turkey.
Now there’s 43 different varieties. Lunchables include Oreos and bottles of spring water with Kool-Aid powder; the varieties are endless, from make-your-own-cold-nachos plates to chicken nuggets varieties that ask to be sprinkled with the contents of Pixy Stix before they are consumed.
Naturally, kids love this stuff, while adults do what they did to smoking, drinking and fast food — crap all over the greatest things in life for a perceived lack of healthiness. To illustrate the gastronomic disparity between kids and gray, joyless adults, check out Slate’s Lunchables taste test.
The only product the two groups could both agree on was Lunchables Mess With Your Mouth Chicken Dunks, ranked Minus 5 Billion on a scale of culinary excellence by both children and adults alike. Contents: “Breaded chicken nuggets, Sour Tongue Tasting Fizz, ketchup.” I’ll slip into adult mode for a second to comment: bleccccch.