On Sunday, I realized with a sick chill of horror that I had officially become old. Sunday, you see, is when my local newstand refreshes their stock of periodicals. Usually, I leap from bed on Sunday morning, throw open the curtains, brightly baritone a “Good Morning!” song of my own devising to the sleepy looking magpies cocking their eye at me out my window, and rush down, eager to to secure my weekly infusion of pornography.

But a few months ago, I somehow accidentally grabbed a copy of The Economist instead of Jugs Magazine. And now, Sundays are special to me only by the prospect of lounging on the couch with a ponderous mug of coffee largely bigger than my skull while digesting the world econo-political markets.

Which brings me to my bleary-eyed Monday morning point: the September 9th through 15th issue of The Economist (on sale NOW!) has an absolutely hysterical article called “Welcome Aboard.” The column posits what an honest in-flight announcement might sound like. It’s all great, but here’s a small portion.

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation, the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. The aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.

The author also raises the question, “When’s someone going to get around to making these crazy jets Gameboy proof, anyway?” Seriously, go buy it. Or at least read it standing up at the store while a newsie informs you that this isn’t a fucking libbery.

Fear of Flying [Economist Subscribers Only]

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