To celebrate their 79th birthday, 7-11 is giving every customer a free tub of frosty, fluorescent goo. The famous Slurpee, in other words.

All you need to do to score yourself a delicious cup of Pakistani-churned fructose glorp is walk into a 7-11 and begin pounding your fist on the counter, demanding one in a loud and obnoxious manner. We recommend whirling your arms insanely around your torso as well.

When the cashier finally relents and gives you the tiny, 7.11 ounce Slurpee, sneer at it contemptuously, then scream “I don’t need your welfare!” Throw it in his face. Then storm off. A narcissistic sense of entitlement coupled with petty overreaction is responsible consumerism in action.

Happy 79th Birthday 7-Eleven! No. 1 Convenience Store Serves up Free Slurpee(R) Drinks [Yahoo!]

Edit: My understanding is this is going on all week and not just on the 11th, but I’m going to call a couple 7-11’s to confirm.

Edit 2: Okay, I called a couple 7-11’s in Boston. They claim to be out of cups, but the offer’s still theoretically in place. Or so I understood being mumbled through the mustache. So check your local 7-11 for more!

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