7-11 Gives Away Free Birthday Slurpees

To celebrate their 79th birthday, 7-11 is giving every customer a free tub of frosty, fluorescent goo. The famous Slurpee, in other words.

All you need to do to score yourself a delicious cup of Pakistani-churned fructose glorp is walk into a 7-11 and begin pounding your fist on the counter, demanding one in a loud and obnoxious manner. We recommend whirling your arms insanely around your torso as well.

When the cashier finally relents and gives you the tiny, 7.11 ounce Slurpee, sneer at it contemptuously, then scream “I don’t need your welfare!” Throw it in his face. Then storm off. A narcissistic sense of entitlement coupled with petty overreaction is responsible consumerism in action.

Happy 79th Birthday 7-Eleven! No. 1 Convenience Store Serves up Free Slurpee(R) Drinks [Yahoo!]

Edit: My understanding is this is going on all week and not just on the 11th, but I’m going to call a couple 7-11’s to confirm.

Edit 2: Okay, I called a couple 7-11’s in Boston. They claim to be out of cups, but the offer’s still theoretically in place. Or so I understood being mumbled through the mustache. So check your local 7-11 for more!


Edit Your Comment

  1. RandomHookup says:

    Methinks this article needs a healthy dose of the past tense.

  2. Ben Popken says:

    Craig writes:

    “I really had my hopes up for some free Slurpee, then noticed 7-11’s b-day was July 11th. Two days before your post. And it’s from an article written on the 9th. I think it’s a safe bet that the 7-11’s here in Manhattan blew through the freebies already. Why do you get my hopes up and then dash them like an otter cracking open an oyster on the rocks? Why, Consumerist? Why?”

  3. Falconfire says:

    To make Craig feel better, Manhattan never HAD free slurpee’s.

    This offer was only for chain stores. Most stores in the US (including all of NY, NJ, CT) are only franchises. Thus they had no need to participate.

  4. RandomHookup says:

    “Why do you get my hopes up and then dash them like an otter cracking open an oyster on the rocks? Why, Consumerist? Why?”

    Perhaps the new slogan for Consumerist?

  5. Most 7-11 locations around the country weren’t participating in the Free Promotion anyway, at least the ones in D.C. weren’t. An e-mail to the company showed that they couldn’t confirm which stores would participate or not, but that at least all Dallas stores would.

    And it is for as long as the promo cups last, so could have gone well past the 11th.