Starbucks Alienates Doofus Teen

Ah, the casual stupidity of power-tripping barristas and idiot teens. From Mike’s Blog:

    Today I went into a Starbucks with some friends, one of us purchased a coffee and sat down. A minute later a very large Starbucks employee walks over and says “I’m sorry but you have to purchase something if you wish to sit on the chairs”…Erm , what the hell is that about? We replied saying we had indeed purchased something, we had bought a coffee, and pointed at it showing the employee. “I’m sorry” she replied “but all of you have to purchase something”…What is this? Shall i sit on the fucking floor?! Is this what you wish me to do?! I’m not great on customers rights but you provide a fucking chair, I’m allowed to park my fucking arse on it!

Given Mike’s penchant for wild obscenity spouting, not to mention his chemically-castratable habit of following question marks with exclamation points, Starbucks might not be entirely concerned about losing his custom. But was Starbucks right to kick him out? Let your cranium bulge. Use your Sherlockian powers of deduction. Mike spells his name on his blog as “M

.” His blog is formatted in Comic Sans. And the entire story sounds like the misadventures of a gaggle of pimply slackers trying to scam some place to hang out, someplace to talk about their erections for a few hours… with the minimum monetary investment possible.

So we’re with Starbucks. We would have slammed “M

‘s” head in the door on the way out. Damn kids! Keep these punks in HoJo’s where they belong!

I declare war on Starbucks [M

‘s Blog]


Edit Your Comment

  1. mmr says:

    At age 23 I easily spend $1,500+ a year at starbucks alone. That is a significant portion of what I would consider the average american salary, and if a starbucks employee asked me to purchase something when I in fact didn’t want or need something I would throw a shit fit.

    I am a good ass customer, and if I was asked to leave my home of coffee-dom I would just lose it.

  2. Chris Gibson says:

    When I go into Starbucks to spend my hard-earned wampum on over-priced (and over-named) coffee products, all I want is to set my bony butt down in one of those soft, comfie chairs long enough to down my java. Inevitably, they’re always full of yahoos sitting there for apparently hours on end, trying desperately to ignore their aching bulging bladders, just so they can continue to keep the fresh meat from getting a decent seat.

    Man, I wish some “very large” Starbucks employees would not only kick out all the freeloading pimply-faced gaggles of whiny teens, but also start giving the heave-ho to the chair-warming, semi-permanent fixtures who think that buying one lousy cup of coffee gives them the right to glue their posteriors to the nice chairs until they finish all the grand master Soduku puzzles in the Sunday paper.

  3. homerjay says:

    I love how Mr Tough Guy found it important to include an attempted quote from Annie Get Your Gun. You almost got it right, sweetie.
    I have a feeling, though, that he wrote it wrong just to make himself APPEAR a little less faggy.

  4. Hawkins says:

    It’s rather simple, really:

    Cup of $4 coffee = chair rent

    No rent = fuck you, get out of the chair

  5. homerjay, on behalf of the Musical Theatre Fags Of The World, I’m going to have to put this boy down as a breeder (at least in the theoretical sense.) If there’s one thing we homos love, it’s coffee. And frivilous spending. (I go to school for Musical Theatre. There are three Starbuckses on our campus, and at any given minute of the day, you can walk into any one of the three and find at least one fully-paid, coffee drinking BFA major in the establishment.)

    Incidentally, I think it may haven been funnier if they used the picture from the kid’s blog instead of the clip-art.

  6. KevinQ says:

    Declare war on Starbucks? What’s he going to do, take his lack of business somewhere else? Find another coffee shop to fail to spend money at? Start his own “unattended chairs” business?

    Yeah, Starbucks is quaking now.


  7. So how many cups of coffee does it cost to turn the chair and table into your office? That seems to be the trend in my area…

  8. Oh, and what’s wrong with Comic Sans?! and exclaquestion marks?! I use both!

  9. Das Ubergeek says:

    YES! DAMN THE MAN! You über-rebel, you, you will go and tell your two pimply friends not to drink coffee at Starbucks!

    I’d like to see cattle prods installed in Starbucks seats. Not so much to keep people from camping out there, but just for sheer random entertainment value or else just to keep the level of stuck-up conversation to a minimum.

    “Man, I’m so beat. I have a deal in development at Warner…”

    “Well, you really should try the Ethiopian Pee Berry, when they roast it right, it’s…”

    “My name is Ben Popk…”
    “OW, SHIT!”

    (just kidding on the last one…I think.)

  10. homerjay says:

    it.goes.there: I understand where you’re coming from but I have a feeling that this one isn’t so forthcoming about his enjoyment of the arts. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s got the entire original cast albums of Cats and Oklahomo tucked away in his iPod under “Eminem.”

  11. christy says:

    Although I think Starbucks was probably well within their rights to kick them out, I doubt that the same thing would have happened to me if I had walked in with my other boring late 20-something friends and not bought anything. There is probably more to this story than them all sitting quietly and watching one guy drink coffee.

  12. airship says:

    When I’m Jonesin’ for the java jitters, I give my trade to an independent vendor of overpriced coffee. (Living in the sticks has its advantages – there’s only one Starbuck’s in the whole state, near as I can figure.)
    That being said, Starbuck’s, like any business, has the ‘right to refuse service to anyone’ and can kick them out if they want, whether they buy anything or not; it’s private property.
    Of course, if I were them I would be careful about doing so to anyone who might, in the civil court’s eyes, be considered a minority of any kind, or one lawsuit later that location might be minority-owned. Fortunately, not by any stretch of current judicial fiat could pimply-faced white adolescents be considered a minority.

  13. flyover says:

    He’s not gay, just British – not the same thing, I assure you.

    The important thing about no coffee no seat kind of policies is that you are consistent with its enforcement. So, as long as the same employee would kick grandma out because gramps wanted his grande chai and she’s done with liquid for the day, I have no problem with SB kicking Mike out. However, if this is specific to him, then it’s bunk. Consistency is key in most situations.

  14. etinterrapax says:

    Like Christy, I suspect I could have gotten away with this also. Mostly because I have gotten away with it on a couple of occasions when I needed somewhere warm to sit with my laptop and for whatever reason didn’t buy a drink. Shops near universities are particularly tolerant of this. They probably have to be. But in all fairness, I don’t make a habit of it, and I’m pleased to have reached a state of life where not being a doofus teen has its advantages. Not being a doofus teen, of course, is its own reward.

  15. matto says:

    I used to be a barrista in a former life (by choice, if you can believe that- I got really sick of working with computers) and have observed firsthand how nothing will kill business like a bunch of loser kids all clustered around a single 90 cent small cup of drip coffee, occupying every possible bit of space possible.

    As an old fart-slash-coffee shop customer now, I can appeciate how a shop full of noisy broke punk kids could have a repellent effect. I not only approve of the ouster- I wish there had been mace involved.

  16. Carlos Rodriguez says:

    kick the fucker out regardless. “No coffee for you and get the fuck out.”

  17. OkiMike says:

    The only time I’ve seen this happen was in Hawaii when the high schoolers would finish for the day and all congregate around Starbucks, pulling up chairs from all the surrounding tables.

    If a guy buys a drink his friends should be allowed to join him at the same table provided there’s not a shortage of chairs for the paying customers.

    I’ve seen too many people violate this rule and as a result they get tossed on their asses.