A mysterious stranger, spoken of in exuberant tones, he is the one, the Last Scion, he who can magically draw a cable connection through the wall without drilling more holes than a methed-out woodpecker in a balsa wood warehouse, he is… The Wall Fish Expert!

And heaven help you if you need him, because like most things you “need” while getting your cable installed, there’s no way you’re getting him any time soon.

You know what would be a great business model? To make a new cable company whose unique selling point was that they kept their install appointments. You could make, quite literally, we’ve done the math, a bajillion fucking dollars.

Until then, we have David’s tale of tracking down the exotic and elusive Wall Fish Expert, after the jump…

Dave writes:

“For some reason, I really enjoy reading about other peoples’ cable installation miseries, since I have suffered as well. (plus I’m looking for an invitation to join your site, which I really enjoy reading.) Here’s my own story:

My parents recently moved to my neighborhood, and I offered to get them hooked up to cable TV. Here in Dearborn, Michigan, we are lucky to have two providers – Wide Open West, and Comcast. I have had good experience with the former, and have been advised to stay away from the latter. With good reason.

Alas, it turned out that my folks’ apartment complex made a deal with Comcast – Wide Open West wasn’t an option. I called Comcast for a Saturday appointment, and waited for the tech. When he arrived – and aimed his big drill at the floor – I explained that the management here doesn’t like holes, and that I am to request a wall outlet. Nope, he says he can’t do that. I have to reschedule, and request Comcast’s “wall-fish expert.”

So, I rescheduled, requesting the “wall-fish expert.” Monday, while waiting for our specialized tech to arrive, I had a premonition – this is Comcast, after all – I phoned and asked if they are really about to send over a person with the requisite skills. “No, our wall-fish expert isn’t available today. Would you like to reschedule?”

Now, mind you, I know what I’m dealing with. As I’m setting up my Wednesday appointment, I am speaking the words “wall-fish expert” with exaggerated enunciation. Nonetheless, the two guys who show up are clearly planning to drill holes in the floor again. “Oh, you want to book the special wall-fish guy”, they tell me.

This time, I took down names and ID numbers. I demanded that “wall fish” be written in large block letters and be double-circled.

So, I really got the “wall-fish expert”. Except that it was his first day on the job, and he had never done a wall-fish before. He had none of the proper tools. He drills a hole in the floor anyway, because he can’t figure out how else to position himself from the basement. He makes holes in the wall in the wrong spot. Eventually, I feel sorry for the guy, bend up some of my coat hangers and help him fish the wire through the wall. Three hours and several superfluous holes later, I finally have my wall outlet.

When my folks finally move out, and management complains about the extra holes, I’m giving them the Wide Open West phone number.”

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