A lot of our habits have changed since the slavering undead crawled their way out of the loam three days ago. Our loved ones have transformed into insatiable ghouls insanely screaming for human flesh. The Zombie President of the United States presides in Washington, and Michael Moore is silent, his mouth full of chunks of cottage-cheese fat clawed out of his own sloppy abdomen. As Ben might have said before his girlfriend tore off his face, inserted her fingers through his eye sockets and cracked his skull in half like the top of a stuck ice cooler, it’s positively gaytarded.
Society’s feeding frenzy of consumerism may now be a feeding frenzy of cannibalism. The shopper zombies lumbering around your local Wal-Mart will now crack open your chest cavity and stuff handfuls of your internal organs into their slavering maws even while you hysterically scream “I don’t want to die this way! Mommmmmy!” But who made them zombies to begin with? That strange Venusian satellite crashing through March 28’s pre-dawn sky, throbbing with a mysterious extra-terrestrial radiation? Or America’s companies, brainwashing us all into accepting sub-par customer service, brain-dead advertising campaigns? The companies who’ve laced our food with mind-altering preservatives, played god with the very genes of life in order to maximize profit margins? In short: the very companies who have been trying to turn us into zombies all along?
When we started The Consumerist, we said that we were consumers at heart. Likewise, we’re zombies at heart. Pretty soon, we’ll all be dead, and America’s capitalist hegemonies will still be trying to fuck us over. Now more than ever, reanimated corpses need a strong consumer advocate, to speak for them when their mouths are too stuffed with brains and viscera to speak for themselves.
Guys, it’s time to start biting back….