Japan Cowers In Terror Before Threat Of Contaminated US Beef

The world yet again looks with dread at the foamy tongues and flickering eyeballs of our lowing herds.

On one hand, congratulations to Atlantic Veal & Lamb for shipping contaminated cow bones to Japan within two weeks of the ban on US beef being lifted. That
s the sort of fuck-up that can only be met with a golf clap.

On the other
Hello, Japan? Guess what? It isn’t very likely eating the brain of even the funkiest and craziest bovine is going to croak you. Don’t get us wrong – we can understand our Northern Neighbors getting excitable. A logical appraisal of chance is irrelevant to the residents of, say, Moose Knuckle, Saskatchewan—they need to ensure the purity of their beef jerky stocks, which accounts for 67% of Canada
s GDP. But shouldn
t the Japanese—who are so into science that they send their walking, talking robots to meet with foreign dignitaries&mdashlunderstand the difference between typical media hysteria and actual scientific threat? Because the chance of getting variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease is one in ten billion.

Imagine for a second that America banned the import of Japanese television sets the second they found out that Sadako had climbed out of one and started killing people. Then you
ll understand the absurdity of the actual threat versus Japan
s overblown hyper-reaction.