In less than five paragraphs, Stay Free Magazine’s “How Hip Health Plan Breeds Superbugs” chillingly describes the nightmare plutopia in which we currently live—a world where not only are you chipperly reamed for twice the cost of your sinus medication, but are also softened up like veal for the slurping protuberances of a hyper-immune race of super bacteria.

No, the reason HIP covers less than a full supply is because it wants two co-payments out of me. At $30 each, that makes the drug $60. This not only makes the drug unduly expensive, but it encourages patients not to take their full course of antibiotics…. which, if you know anything about antibiotics, is dangerous from a public health perspective, because it can lead to drug-resistant bacteria.

Which, of course, is HIP’s entire insidious plot. A pallid, gel-like population of wheezing mouth breathers ridden through the streets by antibiotic junky bacteria jonesin’ for a fix. And who are these superbugs? As any reader who is familiar with the direct-to-video oeuvre of Brian Yuzna in the early 90’s will be quick to realize, these are the board of directors of HIP Healthcare itself.

One ancillary note: I have several hundred emails in my Spam Folder from friendly Zimbabweans who will all (with great politeness) attest that “Augmentin” does not, in fact, augment your tonsils.

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