And millions of small children all across America suddenly break out into one collective peal of delight: a massive outbreak of E. coli in bagged spinach has federal health officials warning consumers not to eat the foul-tasting weed.

After an outbreak of E. Coli in over eight states left fifty people sick and one person dead, raw bagged spinach seems to be the likely culprit. Infections of E. Coli have been growing by the day. Affected states are Connecticut, IDaho, Indiana, Micigan, New Mexico, Oregon and Utah.

There’s no word on what particular brand of raw bagged spinach this is, but surely, the grotesquely deformed mug of Popeye trickles a green, ichorous tear from his sole bulging eye. Then he heaves over, grabs his stomach with his bladder-like arms, and passes a bloody stool.

E. coli outbreak traced to bagged spinach; 1 dead [CNN]