Hey, it’s almost hockey season. And the temptation of vicariously thrilling at four months of ice fights would be enough for even the most hearty Consumerist to set aside their health disdain for Comcast and sign up for their NHL Center Ice Package.

Unfortunately, any attempts to order such package end up with the CSR cheerfully admitting Comcast’s lack of coverage, then discovering there’s no way to actual order the advertised Hockey Package. Reader Patten writes:

Let me preface by saying I’m a big hockey fan – I own season tickets for the Nashville Predators (a company that pretty much prides itself on good customer service…an entirely different story, but they’re fantastic). I called tonight to order the NHL Center Ice package…I’ve seen advertising for it with an “early bird” special and the season starts in a little over two weeks. Two weeks before the season seemed like a pretty good time to sign up.

I sit on the phone for about 15 minutes with a really nice guy – he did an obviously scripted upsell for Comcast’s phone service, when I told him that I was thinking of getting rid of my existing landline, he said, “Yeah, a lot of people are doing that.” And that was the end of it…told me that he couldn’t get cable in his area (a strange, but honest admission for a person trying to sell me on something). I realize after a minute that he has found the page, found all the legal disclaimers, read them to me (they inform you of blackouts and such so you don’t call and demand a refund) and then proceeds to learn that there is no way to sign up for it.

Buck up, Pat: t if you’d like a libidinous tech reeking of Italian sub pheromones to cuddle you until you feel better, we’re sure that can be arranged!