Everyone Wants To Know What Thieves Are Planning To Do With 18 Tons Of Crisco

A ginormous biscuit? Lubing up hundreds of thousands of rusty locks? What use could anyone possibly have for 18 tons of stolen Crisco? That’s what everyone in St. Petersburg FL, and now likely the entire world is wondering after someone swiped a semi-truck carrying tons of shortening.

Police are mulling possible motives for the theft of 36,000 pounds of vegetable shortening after a tractor-trailer was reported stolen early yesterday morning, reports the St. Petersburg Times.

Another tractor trailer nearby with merchandise from an Amazon distribution center was also looted, cops said, with boxes opened and items taken. It’s unclear what kind of stuff the Amazon truck was carrying.

The Crisco sticks were believed to be headed to a Publix distribution center, but they now have a new fate, it seems, one that we can’t resist wondering about.

Is there going to be a huge pie party? A bake sale of epic proportions? More fried chicken than you can shake a whole lot of sticks at? Some kind of wacky, extreme Slip ‘N Slide competition? The world may never know, but my vote is for some combination of all of the above suggestions.

Semi with 18 tons of Crisco stolen in St. Pete [St. Petersburg Tribune]

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