This week, Taco Bell took a break from its 172-year tradition of selling handcraftd, top-of-the-line, high-priced authentic Mexican cuisine to launch a dollar menu. Since even that is too expensive to convince me to eat at the Bell, I have to rely on some brave canaries willing to test the air of this fast food coal mine to see if this stuff is safe.

Thankfully, AdWeek’s David Griner was willing to put his stomach on the line for the sake of humanity, taste-testing each of the 11 items on the new bargain-basement menu and living long enough to write up his thoughts.

After investing his $12.99 in science, Griner headed home with, “two satisfyingly hefty sacks of warm, damp, processed food.”

Oh yum.

Feel free to read his entire story — sure to be a James Beard award nominee — but we’ve got the highlights here:

On the Spicy Potato Soft Taco:
“It tastes like breakfast, but with lettuce.”

On the Cheese Roll-Up:
“It’s the kind of thing my 2-year-old would order, unroll out of curiosity and then slowly push toward the center of the table… This is the toast sandwich of Taco Bell cuisine.”

On the Cinnamon Twists:
“I’ve always liked these more in theory than in practice, and sure enough, they’re basically just packing peanuts dusted with sweetness.”

On the Caramel Apple Empanada:
“[Y]ou’d get more for your money with a fruit pie from a nearby gas station. (That might be the saddest sentence I’ve ever written.)”

On forcing himself to eat the Spicy Tostada despite being full:
“It’s earnestly good, but I’m officially in pain.”

It’s worth noting that Griner did not get the chance to test the one thing that vaguely interests me on the cheapo menu — the Cinnabon Delights 2-Pack, which he paid for but which mysteriously never made it home.

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