First of all, let’s be clear: Violence is never the answer, and you should not hurt your fellow human beings. But if you don’t want director Richard Linklater to stab you in the brain with a straw, don’t text during the movies. Because he seems pretty serious.

The Alamo Drafthouse is notoriously anti-texting-during-movies and will boot customers who go against its strict policy, but because it can’t control every theater out there, it’s enlisted celebrity help to spread the word.

Linklater, the director of flicks like Dazed and Confused, Waking Life and the recent Boyhood, filmed a spot for the theater, based on his former life as a paid hitman.

He says the best way to stop the texters is to grab a pencil or straw, center it on your palm and then WHAM, slam it through the person’s skull and into your brain (H/T to the Onion AV Club).

“You have my permission to do that,” Linklater adds.

But again, don’t murder anyone. And keep yourself from getting murdered by being polite and not texting during the movie, it’s simple!

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