Consumerist reader Jason was cruising the aisle of his local grocery store when he spotted a deal sure to win over anyone sporting lady parts — free chocolate, just for purchasing feminine hygiene products.

But what if chocolate isn’t your time-of-the-month treat go-to? We’d like to humbly suggest, grocery stores of the world, that if you’re going to market menstrual cycle needs thusly, perhaps there could be a few options for that “free” item with purchase of products. And let’s take this very, very seriously because come on, a paltry candy bar is not going to do the trick.

Promotional items in the “Is It Your Time Of The Month Club?” could include:
• A break from the incessant, annoying coworker in the cubicle next to you who always coos shrilly (yes, that’s possible) when you’re at your crankiest : “Oooh, is Aunt Flo in town?”
• Nine bags of the saltiest, vinegary-est salt and vinegar chips that exist.
• 13 pounds of Swedish fish and other assorted gummies.
• A bottle of the pain reliever of your choice, complete with the reassurance that everyone takes six at a time on some occasions (that being said, please follow the dosage instructions on the bottles, be safe, etc.). Or maybe a mallet, if none of those work for you.
• Vicodin brownies dipped in peanut butter and dusted with pretzel crumbs (again, be safe!).
• The capability to mute your significant other when he or she treats like you’re an irrationally angry caged tiger just because the pain coursing through your body feels like a million tiny knives.
• Heating packs that won’t burn your skin off while you’re desperately clutching them to your body.
• At least four cartons of ice cream in varying flavors and with various toppings.
• Just shut up. For everyone to just. Shut. Up.

You get the idea. While chocolate is a nice idea, different strokes for different folks, right?

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