Someone please wake me from the terrible dream I’m having where Andrew W.K. is the face of wipes designed for use before/after sexy times in the bedroom or wherever you happen to be making the magic happen. It can’t be true, it just can’t — and yet, apparently, it is. There will be no waking from this nightmare, thanks to Playtex.

As Pitchfork points out, this is an opportunity to get totally grossed out and generally perturbed about the pairing of the “Fresh + Sexy” line of unisex wipes with the long-haired rocker.

“Whether you just finished rocking a packed club or have an intimate encounter after a busy day, this product will make couples feel brand new,” W.K. wrote in a statement. “Fresh + Sexy Wipes were specially designed to help couples feel confidently clean, before and after they engage in sexual activity!”

Playtex is positively pumped about its new spokesman, because he’s super good at partying and also you know, that other thing?

“This exciting new product required the help of someone who could embody the brand’s playful yet bold campaign; someone who could party hard, but still be clean when it counted,” a Playtex rep wrote in a statement. “Andrew W.K. is that someone and we are thrilled to have him on board with us for Fresh + Sexy Wipes.”

If the aim here was to come up with a stunt that would make people pay attention, it’s working, Playtex. But I will never forgive you. Never.

Andrew W.K. Named the Face of… Playtex “Fresh + Sexy” Wipes (For Wiping Off Before/After Sex) [Pitchfork]

Want more consumer news? Visit our parent organization, Consumer Reports, for the latest on scams, recalls, and other consumer issues.